Stormwater Drain (Formerly titled Letting Go as An Art Perfected By Me)

(written Tuesday, January 16, 2006 10:59 AM, Makati City)
(written hours after our last meeting that early morning)
(Edited)

I just thought letting go, the art, I have perfected this morning.

Nothing is perfect. It was the right thing to do and I felt so right but now I am so empty. How could you feel love and it is aching inside? How could you feel thankful and yet not bitter? Saying goodbye was easy, letting go itself is kindness on my part. Friendship is a gift but it is not an immediate substitute to affection, friends for now but not now, later for sure.

Love, I learned can be felt alone, the intimate and passionate one. It is love in its true and raw form. Love exists. However the experience between the two people will be different. When it does, when two people experience the same thing in the same moment, in the same space, then the kiss is perfect…the experience of love is perfect—the sad thing about the best thing in life, nothing last forever, even this perfect experience.

I said goodbye, I promised to be kind to myself by saying goodbye. Hurting is not part of my dream, my resistance was in vain, the battle and the war have been already lost. But there is no conflict except desires melting, dreams fading, and memories refreshing itself in every cells until the so called "time heal wounds" have taken effect. I am recovering not from the heart break but the pieces, fitting them together, until it will be once more ideal.

Right now I have a question, an inquiry, how do you really measure love? By the time? Or by the sacrifices made? Or by the intensity of the feeling? I cannot answer to that. But what is essential is the fact of love and loving, although it is an affection felt by a single person alone and not by two people.

I will keep it as a memory, I don't know if I gonna recall it later, coz it is happening right now, this soon. I know it is unfair and unkind on my part but I believe it is a way of picking up the pieces. Nothing really went wrong but the circumstances as I have said were not on my side. Life is still unfair. But being unfair is not bad, it is not just the proper or should I say the real time. I have made my love so real, to the extreme extent it could kill me, luckily it didn't happened. I don't want to kill myself for love but I want to die for love or loving someone.

Why did I say goodbye although deep inside I am aching, crying for acknowledgement that I am capable of love. I said goodbye because of impressions. The moment I saw him, it was so magical that "lost" is the perfect description. Suddenly life, the world was perfect. It was a first impression. But first impression was hard to maintain in the next hours or in the coming days but love keep me enchanted. And I’ve learned too that the last impression we made was the only thing that marks in the people's brain for so long as if it is the only sensible thing to remember. I want our goodbye cool and not as passionate as the first impression. Why? Because after all the love had gone, all will be left are memories to inspire e to love again somebody as good as this…

To forget the pain, although it was part of the picture I won't deny.

Finally I am stepping clear out of it, yes I was hoping he will come back, but time or somebody and myself, sooner or later will diminished this flame away. I know love is not the only virtue that keeps the world revolving, why do you think we are apart because I believe in honesty, I uphold them against the love I been waiting for. Love has a pretty face, a flaming kiss, and insane desire. Truth and honesty, meanwhile, are monsters. Love didn’t make me happy or right. Honesty and truth didn’t too. Maybe for now, I don't need the result coz i don't know how to clean my hands. But a choice had been made.

Letting go is not perfect. But something got to give. It is not really about letting go but learning the hard way.


[It seems improper to post consecutively considering this is not my blog. My apology, I can't help it. I'm so sorry for this is an recycled entry. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Tomorrow I'll be having my version of stand alone complex: i'll wake up, i'll go to work, i'll go home, i'll sleep...senti mode ang kupal. Next time probably not tomorrow or the next day, i'll try to publish something tutyy fruity and light.]