HANG ON OR LET GO

reposted from my personal blog www.ironicguy.blogspot.com

When i was a little kid, i fell from a tree... but i managed to hold on to a branch... i was up there for a long time and waited...the silence, the pain in my arms, the blood pumping in my ears,...then i fell... i couldnt remember what happened when i hit the ground, all i could remember was the agony of holding on and the wonderful feeling of letting go. Its painful to hang on and wait for nothing. At times we should learn to give way and let go, we just got to move on.

They say we have to master the art of letting go, yet how could it be?! Its easy said than done. For the heart refuses what the mind is thinking. They just cant be synchronized that easy. Hahay. What a dilemma it would be.

It all started with my controversial blog, Kaibigan Usap Tayo, a lot of readers had been intrigued with it. I got series of reactions from friends and even from strangers in the friendster world. One particular reaction lead to an opening of the angst and pains that is brought by this so called love.

There comes a time when you meet someone and felt that s/he will be the person that you gonna share your entire life with. And yes i meet her. With my past brought to the realm of forgetfullness, i somehow manage to create a new vision of my tomorrow with a girl whom i loved very much. Though i never felt the love was reciprocated on its level of intensity, still blinded by the strong emotion.

And now it has slowly fade to nothingness, there is still the love, yes i must admit, i was going madly crazy inlove. My life is never been the same again. The strength that i got with the once blooming relationship had weaken as the days gone by. Im sorry but i just fall in love, and it is not a sin to fall.

Many of us believe that love is forever, that love never dies, only to be disillusioned in the end when we find our hands empty and our hearts longing. We mistakenly have looked at love as a need to be fulfilled, but love is only a gift given to us, we should not hold it in our hands for we may never find the strength to let it go when it decides to leave. We should only embrace its warmth and glow while it lasts and then freely open our arms when its time to say goodbye.

As long as there is no final words of goodbye. A little hope sprouts from my innermost being telling me that everything will gonna be fine. AFterall its much better to say, "hang on" than to say goodbye. :(

POSCRIPT:

Sometimes it's better to have forgiven and forgotten than never to have argued at all
for these are the things that build your ccharacter
that strengthen your love
and enlarge your capacity to love and be loved, many words cause many pains
sometimes the pain doesn't heal so easily
but it is part of building , of growing, of living and loving, I saw a picture and got that she was wrong but it will still be better for you to try to be friends again and act in love
then she can take it or leave it but you willhave made the right choice
it will all work out for good somehow
she is making choices still so it as of now undetermined, but very soon all will be revealed

clementine,

that early morning, i really felt that i was your joel, defying everything but the whimsical rules of happiness. you were a good estimation of what i hoped for, or dreamt of, abruptly, during lazy, uneventful afternoons. inversely, even the spaces between your fingers was enough to tell me that i fit casually into your body, and beyond that, up to the cliffs and trenches of your desires.

i ache for you now, as i ache for everything that seems lost, away from my grasp. a few days ago, i could easily dismiss your emails as impotent and malicious, boxing your intentions to the transient, to the malignant, to the disposable. but now, i ache for them as well. i ache for anything that places me within or nearer your diameter. i ache for the wavering of your silence, your distance.

there was something indispensable that early morning, as i remember. maybe i was just childish and stubborn against precaution, but i felt it cajoling me to let down my guard. it was close to a trivial wish granted, a gluttony for things benign, a regina spektor humming a quirky improv in the background. it was a kiss short of being unforgettable, clementine, and how i hope you felt it too, as it was one good assessment of your cunning.

i was unwary of you, a few days ago. and how i want to be unwary of you now, beyond doubt, beyond logic, beyond memory.


(note: i'm very much excited about this group blog thing, so pardon me for recycling.)

Web Links

Hi guys, just a couple of fun links I stumbled upon while I was rummaging through my old HD:

YouFail! - a disturbing simple and disturbingly nonsense site that has a disturbingly relevant message.

Google Moon - modeled after Google Earth, Google Moon provides a God's eye view of the flat, gray and uninteresting lunar landscape. It does get interesting, though, when you see it really up close. Zoom all the way in ^_^

Elmer Google - An Elmer Fudd mod for Google. Other mods include Klingon (for Star Trek fans) and Bork!

The answer to life, the universe, everything - Another quirk by Google's calculator (Google calculator is integrated into its search. You can search for stuff like "1 US dollar to Philippine peso" and it'll give you nice, kewl results ^_^ Yes, it does know the answer to "1 + 1")

Oh, and while you're at it, search for the following items on Google and click "I'm feeling Lucky"

french military victories
pekeng pangulo
failure

salamangkero

Oookay, so maybe that last one was a shameless self-plug ^_^

Update!

After a very loooooooooong break, I have finally updated my blog :) And I've changed the URL to http://www.ilovekojimoto.blogspot.com

Even the template is new; it's a picture of me edited a ala Andy Warhol, which is very street graffiti, very cool :) i love you all.

You Conceited Arrogant Bastard-Jerk of a Pootfah, You Braggart, You...

I know you've cut yourself before,
swallowed countless pills and more
but look inside these bloodstained doors
to see my life is worse than yours.

Why do humans brag?

I was wondering why we, as supposedly the most advanced specie on this planet, have this deep-seated urge to brag to each other the exciting and interesting (sic) facets of our life. These stories, much as they are entertaining, can become quite boring once the novelty wears off.

In book sales, book clubs and even the most hallowed libraries, we could hear people muttering about the latest books they've bought: books written by this so-and-so author. Asked what they understood from the book, they'd blush in embarrassment and just simply say the book was so deep for their understanding, which, to them, makes it all the more valuable. I mean, what is the use of a book if you cannot understand it at all? That is, of course, aside from self-defense, miscellaneous paperweight, surface, part of a costume, props or an impressive collection of smart clean (and unused) hardbound tomes.

These days, it seems that it does not matter what you know but who you know. A lot of people have resorted to name dropping, claiming to have had rubbed elbows, sexual contact or a small plate of peanuts with this best friend of the cousin of a sexy star. In all their nonsense talk, it would appear that the name of the sexy star, who happens to be a complete stranger to them, has a greater effect than that of their best friend or cousin, who practically know them for years or so.

I, too, would not claim immunity to this. I do regret to say that I have probably made one of the biggest mistakes in my life.

Allow me to elaborate. I was waiting for an interview at a certain building in a certain commercial district when I happened to nod my head and doze lightly. I could have hardly afforded such sleepiness during a job interview so I descended to the ground floor to search for coffee. Just coffee. Just something with caffeine that would wake me up enough.

I found two coffee shops, which, to my utter shock and horror, sold coffee at prices more than a hundred bucks each. In my defense, it is quite different just hearing of these things and actually experiencing an equivalent of a highway robbery right in front of the counter. Worse, the "coffee" I bought did almost nothing to wake me up. For comparison, my instant coffee, which costs less than twenty bucks a pack, keeps me awake for at least four hours while this... "special" coffee gave me under two hours before my eyelids involuntarily dropped down. Oh yeah, it did taste just a little better than my regular coffee and left an interesting raspberry aftertaste I could smell on my breath up to half an hour later: an experience as enjoyable as paying for it is not.

If this coffee they sell in "chic" shops really just taste like coffee and doesn't actually have caffeine, then I suppose I should no longer be wondering how people can spend their entire day inside one and still get enough sleep at night.

Interestingly, though, a lot of people do loiter around these shops for hours on end, purchasing nothing more than a really, really small cup of coffee barely enough to drown a hamster in. I am more than aware that these people aren't really there for the coffee or the other stuff the shop offers, like blueberry cheesecake or strawberry shortcake, no. They're there simply because they want to be seen there. How pathetic is that? In my ardent desire not to be associated with these people, I hurriedly left the shop, drank my coffee bottoms-up and headed for the elevator.

The job interview lasted for an hour, giving me enough free time to get the hell out of the commercial district and catch a bus home before finally dozing off into a shallow slumber. I would be first to confess that I had inadvertently volunteered too much information partly, to impress the interviewer, but mostly to bag the job. Let's not go into that, though; I am never too keen to discuss to other people my shortcomings, at least, those that I already am aware of.

Lastly, though, I have noticed another form of bragging, which, at first glance, does not seem to be bragging at all. How many times have we heard of people "bemoaning" to each other how tormented their life is? It usually begins with one person saying, "My life sucks. I just blah-blah, so-and-so."

Not to be outdone, the other will respond, "You think your life sucks? See, I'm this-and-that. Such-and-such happened."

A third person could very well pipe in, "That's nothing. See here, I used to be dum-dee-dum but then tra-la-la and so you see, I live a pathetic life."

Do these kind of people amuse you? Do they enjoy showing the world how pitiful their circumstances are? Are they competing for sympathy? (I do think the supplies of sympathy worldwide has become alarmingly limited) I don't think so.

What I do think is that, viewed from another angle, they are bragging. They're not having a contest just to see whose life sucks the most. They're also trying to outdo to each other that, not only did they experience those stuff but they also survived it. It's like swapping war stories and determining who survived the worst war.

I believe, though, that I have already observed a bit too much, so I'm gonna stop here. 'coz you see, I've already had to put up with a lot in my life. It's really pathetic, dealing with all those people; my life sucks, right? Eh what? You had a bad day? That's nothing; see here...

Alright, alright. I'm stopping here. Really.

Bantay Bata 168

One evening, Mugen decides to chat-ala tripper in G4M just to pass the time...

---

bantaybata: nice profyl.. wahahah

mugen: thanks kiddo.

bantaybata: kiddo tlga.. hahaha... aliw basahin.. btw, got face pic?

mugen: yep meron. heehee.

bantaybata: pasend... (mugen: bratty ha, pagtripan nga.)

mugen: what will i get in return?

bantaybata: ewan.. hahaha... may face pic nman aq sa profyl q.. eion.. its up to u if you'll send it or not..

mugen: you look cute, young, and fresh. hehehe. (mugen: i sense the spirit of my notty side emerging)

bantaybata: hahaha. tnx.. im just 16, that's why (mugen: please dial 168 for bantay bata.)

mugen: haha, lagot ako sa bantay bata pag ganun? nagpapaalaga ka ba totoy? Hehe.

bantaybata: hahaha... pede...

mugen: hmm. interesting. may mga namit ka na ba dito sa g4m?

bantaybata: yup.. 2 p nga lng eh..face pic..

mugen: kulet mo naman. iniinterview pa kita eh. mawawala ang thrill kapag nakita mo kaagad mukha ko.

bantaybata: bkit..? gusto mo ym n lng tau? tagal xeng proseso pag dto

mugen: wala akong ym dito sa bahay ko eh. gaano katanda ang mga namit mo?

bantaybata: 26, and 19 (mugen: siraulong 26 yun ah! cradle snatcher!!)

mugen: hahaha sino si 26? was it a friendly meet up?

bantaybata: yup... EB lng tlga.. Bsta, g4m member un.. hehehe, cute kso ndi nkkipagrel.. sayang..

mugen: hehe, shempre luko luko yung mga matatanda dito. usually papakita lang nila sayo yung pet nila. hehehe. (mugen: bad yan... bad boy!!)

bantaybata: heeheh.. maayos nman ung nmit q.. alam lumugar.. hahaha

mugen: gud answer. for that, here's my pic bro.

---

I thought the chat would end there. Knowing how swift transactions are made in that website, it's either I passed or failed in the eyes of that kid. However, adopting a confident attitude in such setting has its advantage. The person Mugen is chatting with is just a teenager, who is also a bottom. A guy who has a "psychological" background like Bantaybata might probably be looking for someone stronger - A sort of big brother Mugen still subconsciously seek, if they think in the same way.

The chat would have ended, if the kid decided not to exchange messages anymore. But after several minutes of silence, my speculations were all correct. Not only his messages began to pop again, he had complimentary words ready to catch Mugen's waning attention.

---

BantayBata: ok.. tnx... hahaha.. gusto q ung caption* nung pic.. hahaha...

Mugen: nakalimutan ko na kung ano yung caption ko eh. pasensya na, ulyanin na kasi ang mga 25 years old ngayon eh.

BantayBata: hahaha.. aus lng un.. pati din mga 16 y/o// haha.. btw, lapit na q out.. have globe?

Mugen: hawak ng gf ko yung phone ko for a week eh. Teka whats with my caption? (Mugen: Wow, this is fiction! I can't believe I still have some bisexual trappings in me! Haha)

BantayBata: la.. never mind.. hahaha.. my gf ka pla.. di mo nssabi.. hehehe..

Mugen: meron nga, may kabit naman na lesbian. Might as well raise a little kid instead. (Mugen: This statement my dear readers is what you call Magical Realism)

BantayBata: hahaha.. ganun.. grabe..

Mugen: Thats life. You know what, I think that you're mature for your age. Keep it up, malayo mararating mo. :P

---

The conversation went on for a few more exchanges. But I feel that the more I prolong the chat, the more I feel that both of us are hitting on each other. The problem is, he is the one giving the motives. Restlessness and boredom, on the other hand tempts me to respond in a flirty manner. After all, there's no greater fun in the world than to know that you made someone excited just by teasing him with erotic-induced words.

When I was 21, the best tease one could say to me is "I'm gonna #^$!^ you day and night!" Trust me, it could force me out of the house at the middle of the night and into the place of the one who said it.

Perhaps, that's what I miss sometimes - the feeling of being teased and the feeling of being the kid again. At 25, it's awkward to act in such way unless a 30 or a 28 year old would be the one to tell you that. (Some did attempt, but the more I get older, the more I restrain myself.) If there is any good conclusion to this brief chat I had with the kid, it is that I felt I just talked with my younger self this evening. In the way he answered my question and reservedly flirted at me, in the way he loved being the one protected and enjoyed being called the "kiddo,"

I just heard myself saying, "I wish you were there... when I was twenty one ".

---

Mugen: we could still see here. Bookmark kita para lagi akong nakamonitor sayo. Are you the eldest?

BantayBata: youngest... alagang alaga...

Mugen: ganun ba? Thats great. Im happy for you kiddo.

BantayBata: kiddo.. wahahaa...

Mugen: you like it huh?

BantayBata: yup.. hehehe.. aliw... *wink

Mugen: I would have loved it if someone called me that when I was 21. Dito na lang muna ok? I'll catch up with you next time. Be good! Names J, Kiddo. Ingat ka.

---

*Wanna Sleep Wid Me? I Snore Loudly! - caption of my private pic.

on the MRT

Minanyak na ako sa MRT kanina! Woohoo!!

anyway ayun, minanyak ako kasi he was behind me. i really had no idea what would happen. nagkaroon lang me ng inkling when he put his hand on top of mine holding the rail. i felt his pinkie brushing my hand.

then the sensation went up my left arm. so there, i decided to "fight back" by brushing my ass against his crotch. it was barely there, but eventually i got to feel his dick hardening. we were so good at being discreet, specially that the car was no longer full and there was a huge space between the seated passengers and us. we were located near the end door by the way.

we got out at ayala. i was looking back a bit but i didnt wait for him to strike any converstion. i went down the station and proceeded to go into a bus for a ride home. lo and behold he also took the same bus.

he sat at the farthest end of the bus. i was just one seat in front of him. i usually sit beside the window. there were other people in there, but him being the bold one casually unzipped his pants and took out his cock and started caressing it. he hid it from the person adjacent him by angling his bag. how was i able to see it?

well i craned my neck sideways to the back and used the reflection to look at what he's doing. he stopped na lang when the bus was completely filled.

stop na ako kasi di na sa mrt yun eh! lolz!

from my post in Likod ng Train ng MRT

TRIP 002 : Pick Up

It’s 2:45 am and I am waiting for a cyberfriend in front of Chowking in Boni Avenue. Our scheduled meet-up is 3:30 and I am a little worried that I missed him because the Chowking I am talking about is under renovation. He would be wearing a black Nirvana t-shirt.

After 15 minutes of waiting, a dark blue car stopped in front of me. The car window opened and I stoop to look if he could be the one. There are two guys inside and I could not see one wearing a black t-shirt. The one beside the driver signaled me to hop in. Am I to come in?

Watch for my complete story at justforthetrip.blogspot.com

It's kinda back!

Happy new year! Well technically it aint 01 January but what the heck, what we are celebrating here is the fact that I got away with a pic of a young one in the jeep! Oh yeah, and he's wearing red! Pampaswerte diba?

taken from http://southdude.blogspot.com