The Last Love Poem of an Insomniac

Look at this world it is changing,
Faster than the snowflakes that dries in your hands and
Kisses that lost warmth, skin that can no longer feel
Writers dying, saying goodbye to love.

Look at my eyes, they are falling asleep,
But cannot be tucked in this poem of somebody else’s dream.
Blossoming someday until the senses recover,
The resurrection and embrace of this silly line of the poet.

Promise me the fence will never grow tall,
Cast the spell that can erase the ocean of its cloud,
But don’t show me the road to be taken.
I have my own way.
My love will seek you blind and hopeful.

So this last kiss will commence the change.
The end that truly ends and that means to end,
I wonder why we’re not crying though it is sadness that we exchange.

Ah yes I know now, the world is changing but love will remain the same. I love you.

I love you so much that I need this sleep.

Wings

No, not the pantyliner brand that women use! Remember when we were kids and we would see cartoons or movies of people with wings and they were able to fly?! I've always fantasizd about flying, like growing wings and taking flight. Free from anything earthly, a little bit closer to heaven that usual. No bounds, no limits. The feeling that is somewhat similar when you swim only you ain't wet. wakekek

And since the dawn of digital photography and image editing, i have grown quite fond of putting my fantasies into something more visual and possibly tangible so that more people with the same surreal dream can appreciate it. Just here to share some of my winged works...



This one is inpired by the "fallen angel", a few years back i was so in touch with my dark side that it drove me to create depictions of it. here's another one from a more darker past that i am not proud of...




After my "enlightening" i shifted over to a more optimistic visualization of myself. A series of events in my life shed light on my dark persona and so i came up with these two from my angel series of last year...




This year beckons a new fresh set of art that should show a bright new outlook not just for me but for those who i inspire with my ideals and works. here's a couple of previews from my upcoming winged series for 2007...



This is a picture taken from the province of Quezon on one of the beaches that we went to. On top of one of the big rocks that we were able to climb up to after kayaking. there were two of us on that rock, if you have a good eye (which i doubt) wou'll see were i erased him from.lolz. **this is a hobby i do for my self gratification and for friends who appreciate my work.

are you gago or tanga?

GAGO O TANGA? ALIN KA DITO?


Nakakatuwa naman ang mga nangyayari sa paligid. Magcha-chat ka.... maghahanap ng picture, ng web cam at kung anu ano pa. May mga magtatanong sayo ng mga bagay na hindi mo inaasahan, gaya ng age, sex, location, top, bottom, size ng titi, marunong ba tsumupa o hindi at kung anu-ano pa. Then hihingi ka naman ng picture niya. Siyempre kung pangit hindi ka na magrereply.... hindi mo na kakausapin...... bigla ka na lang mag lolog out. At kung cute naman siyempre.... kukunin mo yung cell number.... landline.... friendster....kung mayaman ba siya o hindi.... gaano kalaki ang pera mo sa International Bank and bank of America at sa Swiss bank.... (para may mapagkaperahan ka)..... pangalan... address.... iba pang web pics.... paboritong pagkain... color.... height.... weight..... at suking tindahan. Tapos, sasabihin mo kapag nag-uusap na kayo, hindi ka naman sa physical tumitingin.... kundi sa kalooban.. AHAHHAHAHAH……… HAAAAAAAALLLLEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR

Okay ka lang!?!?!?!? kung sa tingin mo ba kamukha ni Quasimodo o ni Rene Requiestas yang ka chat mo eh makikipag eb ka pa o kukunin mo yung cell number niya para i-text at tawagan siya.. Gagastos ka ba ng mahigit 30 pesos kada araw sa pag loload o bibili ka na lang ng suncell para matawagan din siya kung suncell nga sya....

Alam mo, sa tingin ko hindi mo yun gagawin. Ewan ko ba bakit marami pa ring tao ang nabubuhay sa litid ng pagnanasa na maari naman magparaos sa pamamagitan ni mariang palad na may halo sa konting imahinasyon.

Heto ka naman, lalapitan mo siya (yung cute ha hindi yung pangit) sasabihin mo, alam mo ang gaan ng loob ko sayo......... hmmmm pwede ba kitang maging baby... boyfriend.... lover.... maging tayo...... boo... honey...... papa.... jowa... papu... nanay… pangdisplay..... alila... bangko... sponsor o financer…. tatay ...ingkong..... parausan... at kung anu ano pa.

At kung nakuha mo na siya… sa una ay aalagaan…. Hanggang sa paparausan….. hanggang sa pandidisplay…. Hanggang sa mag-sawa… then go back to start sa pambibiktima at pambobola. Ano ba talaga ang hanap natin sa buhay? Aminin man natrin o hindi maraming tao na ganito ang naglipana sa paligid. Pagtapos maging akin ay kanya. Pagkatpos maging iyo ay akin. Saan ba talaga? ano ba talaga? paano ba talaga?

No wonder, kung halos walang naniniwala na magtatagal ang relasyon ng mga bisexuals, gays, at lesbians. Hindi ko naman nilalahat.. sabi ko lang naman halos eh. Wag kang magagalit ha.

Pero isipin mo.... pagkatapos nun, maaaring isa sa inyo ang umiyak... dahil sa pinaasa mo siya at pinaniwala. Isang buhay ang nasira kasi ang inakala niya ay totoo ka sa kanya. Isang nilalang na naman ang tinulak mong maging gaya mo... magrerebelde at gagawin din sa iba ang ginawa mo... hanggang sa paulit ulit na itong mangyayari para sa mga susunod pang mga silahista, bakla, at lesbianang maipapanganak sa mundo. Then sasabihin mo sa bandang huli na naghahanap ka ng seryoso? Na alam mong may sumeryoso sayo dati na hindi mo sineryoso dahil yung sineryoso mo noon ay hindi ka naman sineryoso. O kaya naman sadya ka lang talagang malibog na kulang na lang lahat ng silahista ay lagyan mo ng check sa kanang balikat para malaman mo kung dumaan na siya sayo o hindi pa.

Ewan ko ba kahit ako naguguluhan sa mga nangyayari. Aaminin ko minsan sa buhay ko ay ganito rin ang naiisip ko. Isa lang ang nasisiguro ko.... tapos na ako sa mga ganitong kalokohan. Sa maniwala ka man o hindi. Kahit papaano maghahanap at maghahanap ka rin ng pangmatagalan.

Ewan ko ba kung sadyang gago lang ang ilan sa atin dahil sa walang sawang pagdilig sa mga bagong binhing naglilitawan o sadyang tanga lang dahil hindi na natin nakikita kung sino ba talaga ang dapat nating minahal at hindi na pinakawalan pa.

Hanggang kailan ka ganyan? Gago lang ba talaga tayo kasi malibog O tanga kasi hindi natin alam ang ating ginagawa? Hindi naman kaya gago ka kasi sinabi mong mayaman ka? O kaya naman nagawa ka niyang tanga dahil heto ka at nagpapagamit. Baka naman gago ka lang kasi tanga ka.... o talagang tanga ka kaya naman nagagago ka. Ang gago mo kasi tanga ka. Ang tanga mo kasi nagpapagago ka sa mga kapwa mo tanga at gago.

Sa totoo lang nagpapaalipin ka sa sarili mong katangahan at kagaguhan. Naghahanap ka ng meron ka dati na ngayon ay wala na. Hirap maging tanga sa gagong mundo. At mahirap mabuhay na gago sa tangang mundo. Hay naku ang daming gago at tanga.

Madaming may mga mata ngunit kakaunti lang ang nakakakita. Madaming may nakikita pero madaming bulag dahil sa nakikita..... maraming may tainga pero alang marinig.... madaming nakakapagsalita pero isa ka sa mga nanahimik .... buti pa ang bulag......... hindi gago at hindi tanga sa nakikita.......... buti pa ang bingi hindi bingi sa mga bagay na dapat maintindihan at marinig......... malakas ang loob ng mga pipi kasi nasasabi nila na hindi sila gago at tanga..........

Sino ba talaga ang tunay na gago at tanga? Hala ka baka naman gago ka na nga, tanga pa. Huwag kang mag-alala hindi ka naman nag-iisa. Maraming katulad mong gago na tanga pa…. o tanga dahil sa gago sila.... o ako ang gago at tanga dahil ako lang ang nakaisip ng mga ganitong bagay.

Sorry ha....... nagawa ko kasi ito dahil madaming Gago at Tanga....

(my good friend paolo from g4m sent me this. whoever made this eloquent musings, thank you! please let us know you...)

Red Squared

Using wikimapia, I discovered some of the spots where people like us often hang out. Please take note that I've never been to most of these places, and the reason I found them in the map is because of some leads that I've heard from people who have already been there before.

Check them out and tell me, if these cyberslackershave pinpointed the official cruising places correctly.

Farenheit Cafe and Fitness Center, E. Rodriguez, Quezon City

Palawan Bar I, Cubao, Quezon City

Government, Makati Avenue, Makati City

Epitome Club, Malate, Manila

BED, Rainbow Project, Orosa Courtyard, Malate, Manila

Club Bath, Pasay City

topic: dyingYOUNG has HIV, do you know him

Follow up: HONEYBLAST [msg]
24 Feb 2007, 16:56

hindi ka ba mamamatay?
kailan pa bro?

wag ka naman maghasik ng lagim ha?
pls lang.

--- --- ---
"REASON IS THE GREATEST DISCOVERY EVER MADE BY MAN. YET IT IS THE LEAST USED, NO WONDER REASONABLE MEN END UP MISERABLE."--James Jones, From Here to Eternity

Stupid people. You can find lots of them in g4m.

Jump - Madonna

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste

I havn't got much time to waste
It's time to make my way
I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my road and I can make it alone
All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own

[Chorus]
Are you ready to jump
Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hand
get ready to jump

We learned out lesson from the start
My sisters and me
The only thing you can depend on
Is your family
Life's gonna drop you down like a limb from a tree
It sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see

[Chorus]

Are you ready?

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that you wait
The more time that you waste

All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own

It sways and it swings and it bends until you make it your own

I can make it alone [repeat]
(my sisters and me)

[Chorus X2]

I'll never love this way again...

it all happened so fast it seemed like a dream, but when i felt that the tears were getting my pillow and fingers wet and too much sobbing made my nose runny, i got the clue that it was no dream. the pain in my chest made me sure that it was real and that he was indeed going to break up with me.

imagine a quiet thursday night, lounging in your living room, your PC on and downloading stuff, your razor wails a text message alert, you pick it up and read. you havent reached the end of the message when time suddenly feels frozen and tears begin to form, he's breaking up with you. and via text. you hurriedly collect your thoughts and gather composure to reply; clarify if this was a bad joke. i checked the calendar and it aint no april fool's day. its almost christmas and here is your loved one giving you feelings that you are familiar with...being left alone. text messages fly left and right. each one feels like a powerful blow to your chest, dealing pain and loss of strength. weakened you go to your bed, its now the middle of the night. nothing is stirring. silence is deafening. memories of him rush into your head, like a cheesy flashback from a movie, happy and sad moments scurry into your brain making breathing a real challenge. you fall asleep crying.

its a li'l past 9 in the morning and you wake up to this familiar voice calling out your name. its him! by your window. you run towards the door bearing questions: was i just dreaming last night? is he here like he normally is on a weekend? does he know what is happening? you open the door, his face is a refreshing sight from last night's crying fit. his face glowing, his big black eyes staring at me as he waited to be let in, you go to the bedroom, he sits casually on the side as you lay down again to relax from your abrupt awakening. no hi's and no hello's. he places an unfamiliar shoe box on the bed and says:

"this is everything you gave me. i even kept the bus tickets, the receipts from all the places we ate at, price tags of stuff we bought together. everything i secretly took and hid to remind me of the times we spent together. there is one item there that is very important, the gate pass to the resort where i first met you. please keep them! its not that i wanna forget everything that happened. i just don't wanna cling to things that will make me cry when i see them. i still love you but i have to leave you..."

you are petrified and speechless. no voice comes out when you try to speak. everything before this moment is real! he is really breaking up with you. you try reason with him and find out the real reason for all of this. hours pass and more tears fall and sink into a pillow you are huging so tightly. he tries desperately to keep a straight face, no tears, he cracks jokes, he continually avoids eye contact...

fate decides to give your love one more chance, after asking him the same series of questions again and again and keep teeling him: "ill respect your decision because i trust and love you but know this, it does not matter how long it takes, once go out that door, ill be sitting by it waiting for the time you come back to me. and when you do, you will see that nothing has changed and that i will love you forever. you may ask me to do anything for you or even leave you, but please don't ever ask me to stop loving you coz that is one thing i am sure i cannot give you..." you get through and he breaks into tears, you reach for his hand and he reaches back. you hold hands and stare at each other with swollen teary eyes. silence ensues. he says: "im sorry, i take it back.i love you and i really can't leave you!" your face dripping with tears...you yield a smile and you rush to hug him like this was the last day on earth. time feels like it stopped.
the two of you agree to make things better and tackle hurdles in life together, stumble together, and pick up each other when we do fall. tears flowed, pain has been inflicted, apologies have been accepted, minds are clear, both guilt free, love overpowers and the two of you move on...HAPPY.

-i'm very private with my love life, but this is one part of it that I feel i must share...

Asan ka na?

ako natural lang, pwedeng sigang maton o malandi, kahit ano.

makikipaghalikan ako sa iyo in public.
pero okay lang din kung ayaw mo.
ayos na ayos na ko sa akbay o simpleng chansing.

kapag nagsasalita ka, makikinig ako, tapos titingnan kita sa mata,
para alam mo na sa iyo lang ako nakikinig.
hindi tayo mauubusanng pag-uusapan. ultimo buhok sa kili-kili ng labandera ng kapitbahay natin pwede nating pagdebatihan-- in immaculate english...
(i tell ye, her follical projections were plucked!!!...nay, sweet sir, her pubescent manifests have been shaved!!!)

gusto ko minsan na may moments na mas maarte ka pa sa akin. kahit kapag tayong dalawa lang.

pero ang pinaka gusto ko, kapag naghahawakan tayo ng kamay sa ilalim ng lamesa. at dahan-dahan mong hinihimas ang aking palad ng iyong mga daliri. at magpapatay-malisya tayo, para hindi halata.

o anong petsa ka ba darating?!


--i found this on one of the G4M profiles i was readin' long ago. i kept a copy. thought 'twas cute.

Arkinscent

Conrad was a big man, and he appeared unchanged after three years. He grabbed me on my right hand and forced me to salute his Chancellor.

“No!” I resisted.

Suddenly a Seeder Plane descended on Raja. The hot air coming from its engine swept all the dust. All of this dirt seemed attracted to my perspiration and blood.

A clean and neat young man, about my age came, boarding off the aircraft. He was wearing military uniforms and came rushing forward to the chancellor. He shamed my appearance.

Conrad stopped. His left hand still halfway in trying to make me salute the Chancellor. He was looking intently at me; I was looking in the black glove at my right hand. He tried to remove it. I clenched my fist. He was doing it as discreetly as possible. Then he jabbed me silently, but he didn’t try to remove the glove.

The young soldier saluted the general, and then gave him a sheet of folded red paper—the official letters of the Libra. Then the general gave the young man permission to leave, but before he could leave, he had a chance to see their new prisoner. I tried to hide in my swollen flesh, bloody face and hair, and broken skin, not to mention the rust and dirt I newly accumulated. From unusual grim he always expressed in front of their prisoners, he became excited. I was so embarrass he recognized me. He greeted me involuntarily.

“Hey.” He said gladly to me.

Even this guy called me HEY. Next time I’ll start writing my name with H instead of A if ever I’ll survive, I promised that. At least he was cheerful to see me. But I didn’t give him any hint that I was really somebody he knew. But three years wasn’t too long. My attention from the young man broke when the Chancellor suddenly looked at me after reading the paper. It was the same wrath I’ve seen before.

“You helped the Commonwealth activate the Pantallassa and you joined the R. A. S. C! You crazy bastard!”

Bastard? I like to laugh about it, how can I be a bastard?—anyway I guess this guy need some major memory recall. And to answer his questions, I will both confirmed and denied them but it will be ineffective. Okay, so I just add it to my infamous “list.” Beside he took a great of effort to find me after all.

I felt the Raja tilted even more. Conrad stabilized his balance.

I took my chances and tried to escape.

To the shock of everybody, I amputated his both hands and to my absolution.
Conrad was agonizing on the floor with blood flowing mercilessly from his limbs, squirming in pain, and his scream competed against the deafening blasts happening simultaneously.

The Chancellor looked at me as if he will kill me in front of his son, Yttrob, the young man who gave the bad news to him. He tried it to me once, also three years ago.

I looked at Yttrob with sad eyes. “I am sorry it had come to this.” Conrad took care of him after his mother died.

I ran away and then I bound into the waters. Yttrob, my brother was calling out my name, and our father was cursing me with finest words known to complement an abominable son.

I felt the gravity as if it wasn’t working on me, and then I saw steel slugs. Most of them missed me, but a few exited thru my body, forcing their way through the flesh and one shoved in the heart; breaking vessels and valves, wiping out hope and faith. Blood fell and flown animated almost like an angry rain. I don’t know who shot me, but would it matter to the sharks and scavengers of the ocean?

Finally the tears in my eyes escaped, flowing madly around my face, delighted to embrace the ocean, where they knew they should belong, and not in my eyes.

And I saw Rossetti always staring at the sky, at the sun that can blind. I want to tell her that sometimes, some of our dreams in order to come true must be nightmares to live by. I learned that too late a long time ago. I hoped it would not happen to her. That was why I start with that silly question that afternoon we separated ways though we never bade each other goodbye. She was right about loneliness but I had to ask her something. It is possible loneliness is a promise broken long ago? Because that one I don’t know. Even in death I am not so sure, why?

I thought I learned a long time ago how to die and accept it and that what I still cannot comprehend is how to accept life. Damn... Oh God how come I fail in both? Where would I go?

Finally, the deep blue sea swallowed me eager to protect me against the laughter of angels, of devils, and of men. They were laughing because I will finally die worthlessly.

[fiction:draft:excerpt: my first attempt of using third person, then I switch to 1st person in the middle of the story. Arkinscent is the name of the guy who died.]

My Very First Man To Man Encounter

February 15, 2002

---

Galing ako sa meeting ng org ko noon. Palibhasa'y isang linggo na lang at campus elections na, ngarag lahat ng tao sa partido. Buti na lang at graduating na ako ng mga panahong yun kaya madali lang para sa akin ang pumuslit at gumawa ng alibi, sakaling tamarin akong makisama sa kanila.

Ilang linggo bago mangyari ang gabing yun, natanggap ko na sa sarili ko na hindi talaga ako straight. Sa wakas, matatapos na ang mga umagang pinapaso ko ang aking daliri upang ipaalala sa sarili ko na hindi ako maaring maging bading. Matatapos na rin ang mga dapithapong nilulusob ko ang Quiapo, pakunwaring bibili ng pirated na XXX sabay magprepretend na kasama sa mga bibilihin ko eh yung mga pinakabago nilang M2M na nakadisplay rin sa mga dingding ng tindahan nila.

Yun GEB na yun ang gabi ng aking paglaya.

---

Sa tulong ng Pinoyexchange, may nadiskubre akong forum kung saan nagkukumpulan ang mga bisexual na katulad ko noon. Base sa mga post nila, tagos hanggang buto ko ang pangungulila at pagkatakot na nararamdaman nila. Tuwang tuwa ako sa kaisipang, hindi pala ako nag-iisa. Na marami pala ang katulad ko ang naghahanap ng uunawa sa kanilang pagkatao. Yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung gaano ba sila katotoo sa mga sinasabi nila. Noong mga panahon kasing yun, wala pa sa mindset ko na pwede mong sabihing bisexual ka, pero sabog sabog naman ang pagiging effem mo.

Hindi ko alam na sa mundo ng mga bading, meron palang division na namamagitan sa mga paminta at tukling.

Maghahatinggabi nang makarating ako sa Malate. Sabi ng organizer, nandun daw sila sa bar na ang pangalan ay La Dida. Nung una parang balewala lang sakin ang lahat. Tutal, may kasama rin naman silang mga lesbyana kaya mahuli man ako ng kung sinuman galing sa aking campus, parang nakipagbonding lang ako sa mga coed kong high school friends.

Umakyat ako ng second floor upang kitain sila. Tanda ko pa nun na ang daming tao. May mga babae na feminate, meron rin namang tomboy na mukhang lalaki. Merong mga grupo ng lalaki dun na akala mo ay astigin na nakikipag-inuman lang. Matapos ang maraming taon, naliwanagan rin ako na lahat pala yun hindi straight katulad ko.

At dahil masyadong maingay sa bar na yun nang dumating ako, pumasok ako sa isa sa mga bathrooms upang tawagan ang organizer. Yun pala nalampasan ko na sila.

Hindi ko inaasahan na yung grupo ng mga lalaki't babaeng maiingay at naghaharutan ang grupong kikitain ko.

---

My first encounter was a culture shock.

---

I went to the GEB expecting that I would meet people who were straight-acting like me. But they were fine nonetheless. Being a member of a political party taught me to respect personal differences, even if the person you are talking to is a screaming diva.

What caught my initial attention are the ladies who were with us. I thought that they were straight since they acted more girly than those I hanged out in school. It turned out that the gorgeous ladies who are with us were all lesbians. Before that, I thought lesbians were only reserved for those in the tom-boy category.

I have already forgotten how many people were there during that GEB. I have also forgotten how many bottles of beer I consumed or how many people I have talked to during that evening. But one thing I still remember until now is the 18-year old chinito guy who was seated alone with them. He was extremely lonely that night and since no one would talk to him, I just decided to hang-out with him and spend the rest of the night knowing more about his life.

It was the year Joyrise became a club favorite.

Five years ago, that Grand Eye Ball was the reason why I never left Malate ever since.

---

Past Forward:

The chinito guy and I became textmates. When I returned to the meeting that early morning, I realized that I liked him and he overturned my feelings for several weeks after that fateful meet up. That weekend, I asked him if we could meet somewhere near his place. During those early times, hanging out in some guy's place with us together and alone DOESN't ring a different tune to me.

And it was that hang-out in his place that got me my first man to man make out kiss. It turns out that he liked me as well. Too bad, I was too nervous when we did that, and it turned him off. I swear, if my knowledge in the arts of pleasure during those days was as advanced as it is today, things would have been very different.

I would have eaten him alive.

And imagine doing those things behind my ex-girlfriend's back...

It turns out, someone from the GEB likes the chinito guy as well. Unfortunately, I was more aggresive than him so I got my prize, even if I just enjoyed a slice of it.

A week after, I found out that the more "straight-acting" guys who belonged to the same thread conducts their own GEB's too. It was the faction where I met the guys who would become my future tropa. For the first time after my first meet up with bisexuals, I've realized that you can be a bisexual without acting too effeminate because of that faction.

That same week, the other guy found out that I was fishing his bet. For a brief moment, it sparked a cold conflict between us. Good thing, many folks from the thread never took sides. Eventually we decided to patch our differences and this other guy that we both liked found another eyecandy.

However, despite those concessions, I remained madly infatuated with the chinito guy for weeks.

During our next GEB, which was a month after the first one. I was already comfortable with everyone. At the same time, my gaydar was already tuned to pinpoint non-straights from the straight people.

That same gaydar detected someone, who would eventually become my sidekick until now.

---

Ika-apat na linggo matapos ang una kong Grand Eyeball.
Na-meet ko si parekoy*.
Kasama pa ang kanyang dating boyfriend.

*parekoy - bestfriend, see mugenblog for more entries about this guy.

Equus

Feast your eyes on Daniel Radcliffe

Musings of a Chronic Liar

Look deeper into my eyes
And tell me a string of lies.
Say everything is fine
and that you will be mine.

Has it ever occurred to you that someone, somewhere knows something you don't and they're having a good time at your expense?

Call it conspiracy theory or whatnot but I have always had the nagging feeling that shaving creams and/or after-shave lotions might have hair growth stimulants. If it were so, there is nothing we consumers could do about it since, after all, they never were supposed to inhibit hair growth nor did they advertise doing so. Still, it is a pretty darned smart way to ensure that their customers will keep on buying their products. To us, they are just implements to an eternal ritual against something we, as humans, have deemed inescapable: shaving. To them, they are almost a self-sustaining investment.

How about those mold and mildew cleaners? What if each droplet of acidic liquid poured onto the grout between ceramic tiles contained a certain chemical, which, when decayed, encourages more fungal growth? The companies selling these cleaners, too, did not advertise retarding mold and mildew proliferation. They were supposed to clean but not keep your tiles clean. If these indeed contained such chemicals, we'd be in a never-ending battle against fungus.

Another one I have had the luxury to experience: anti-dandruff shampoo. So long as I keep on using it, I don't get flaky scalp; it must have some strong chemicals for even its vapors sting my eyes. However, when I discontinue usage, I get a dandruff boom. Does it also have nice ingredients that decay into bad ones?

Ahh, the refined art of subterfuge. Technically, the makers of the three products never lied to us; they just happened to omit certain facts from the mass media. Given that I, too, enjoy "lying" to others, I'm beginning to wonder if any of those people might be my kin.

Pasas...

It is nearly a revealing fact, almost disturbing. I just learned about this last February 14 when I dropped by in Megamall (around 6:30 - 7 PM, 2nd Flr, Building B):

(...ahh...my conscience is groping my neck,
claws clenched, stabbing right thru my throat:
trying hard to stop me to spill this truth....)

(Drum roll please!)

“I’VE NEVER SEEN SEVERAL GUYS SIMULTANEOUSLY BRUSHING THEIR TEETH (SO CLINICALLY GRAPHIC IT IS AMUSING, TWO THUMBS UP!) INSIDE THE MEN’S ROOM.”

Whoa! He he he. (Thanks sa drum roll.)



(...my conscience finaly let go of me,
I sense his complete retirement
and then sabay sabi nung kupal,
"Inggit ka lang!"
Ngek. "Hindi ah!" ..)


I forgot about this event in my personal blog coz a helluva of things had happened. Since I promised something soda, I rathered post it in United. Have a great weekends.

february love

i stopped blogging (i.e., recording my experiences) roughly a month ago, because of two reasons. one was because of this boy who made me realize how transient things truly are (and who i don't want to talk about any further), and the other one was because i rediscovered a long forgotten passion.

i've been writing poetry since highschool, as i remember. my poems are garbage, of course, but they've always liberated me in one way or another. i found many disposable, (but) valued little details in my life - details that can easily get erased in highly-edited blog posts - recyclable and recycled in my poems.

poems were my personal, handy mementos of an otherwise would-be forgotten past, way before the blog thing arrived. i traded it off for the latter, obviously, for a couple of years.

but now, i'm back, and it feels so damn good. i'm back to believing that there's nothing better than creating absolutely crappy poetry.

and it's funky to add that this rekindling started just a couple of weeks ago, just this february. probably, this is a sour love life transformed: devoid of men, i retorted by resorting to my poems for a cuddle.

now, before the introduction becomes four times longer than the main deal, i present to you, one of my poems:

panandalian
(para kay j.)

tulog ang talinhaga
dito sa madilim na parte
ng paslit na pagnanasa. iisa lamang
ang kahulugan ng nakapatong
na kamay ko sa nahihiyang dulo
ng hita mo, o ng kaunting pisil sa iyong akbay.
subukan man nating gawing metaporikal
ang bawat galaw, pareho nating alam
na paghalik ang paghalik mo sa aking kamay.
na kapag sinabi kong mahal kita,
susuklian mo ng mahal mo din ako,
at wagas tayong magmamahalan habang buhay
ang tagay ng beer.

Outside Looking In

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated :::Drops of Jupiter By Trains:::


The night had come stolen, later broken by the softest smile on his face. I was taken out of deliverance that I can no longer continue. The seconds were spent into fragments of inspiration I held sacred before.

It was one of lazy afternoons I always have and probably kept very special in my own silly ways. The 4’oclock sun was unforgiving compared to my slow uncalculated steps I made on the concrete pathway. Yes, I was alone and I didn’t know if I was reminiscing or daydreaming but the only thing I was sure of was that I wasn’t lonely or compelled to be cruel to myself that day.
Then he knocked me in a pleasant surprise almost an answered prayer I never knew I uttered every night. I was always forgetful and the so called love was not on my side ever since, for I never believed in it. So I guess—if I was still privileged to guess that it was not love at first sight anyhow. I was glad of it.

Time was mine and all logic won’t fall apart. This was the course I follow so well and because of this virtue I felt terrified. Thoughts of losing someone and be driven into complications was not worth my ego. I was happy to be me, myself, and I.

He gave me roses but I didn’t--. I sighed and said his eyes were dreamy. He dedicated a poem for me and I didn’t--. I never smile back but I mentioned to him that poems were for dead lovers. He cried when I knew should be breaking down but I wasn’t. I’ve told everyone he was giving me the creeps.

Before, I’ve always known how things should work or which could be better but it turned out my heart and soul wasn’t as comprehending as much as my head does.
With the gentlest hand that ever touched my face he revealed the rest to me and asked him with utmost concern the thing I never said to anyone before: Would it be fair?

Yes he whispered.

…and suddenly love was a crime. It was my best.
Passion after passion made the missing gaps of my life eternally found and burning. Or maybe I wasn’t really aware of what I was really missing—for the first time the restless heart found its place in him. I looked at the palms of my hand after the solace of the night; he traced the lines and said in my ears it was destiny.

Another kiss, another time to be one.

The dawn had arrived and the morning sky crushed me along with the same smile of hims still imprinted in my head. I was torn out of freedom if there’s a need for me to be myself again. It lasted longer than a moment.

Now, I was running away from it like thunderstorms were chasing me. It happened and I was in it what I’ve made others felt before. But this time there were no screams, no slamming doors, and no packed clothes.

It is supposed to be my game—my only and favorite game. Never have I expected someone could bend the rules and run it on me. I don’t know if I ought to learn the things at the end of the story, but they call it regret—to my surprise. Sometimes the only thing I am searching for my entire life is the one thing I am always afraid of.



And tell me, did Venus blow your mind:::Drops of Jupiter by Trains:::





NOTES:

[Edited. It is a work of fiction years ago. I am sort of visionary, I am so scared now I gotta quit writing in first person.]

[It applies to love in particular pero this time and life in general (so much about love that I don't wanna talk about it). Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, I was hanging around in Informatics Megamall after work, I saw the girl who slapped me last year May 24, 2006. It was my birthday that day, also in front of Informatics, in full glory of all mall goers. No, she was not my ex. Just an indirect casualty of my recklessness with words. Seeing her again make me scared. I thought I recovered, but I was traumatized pala. What a Valentine’s Day to me. Pero that’s life eh. Uhmm ok lang...kasi I know most people are afraid of truth, ayaw nila sa itsura ng pangit na katotohanan. Pero ito mas masakit: ala pa kaming sueldo..bukas pa, Friday. Tapos minus pa ko four days.]

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

Stormwater Drain (Formerly titled Letting Go as An Art Perfected By Me)

(written Tuesday, January 16, 2006 10:59 AM, Makati City)
(written hours after our last meeting that early morning)
(Edited)

I just thought letting go, the art, I have perfected this morning.

Nothing is perfect. It was the right thing to do and I felt so right but now I am so empty. How could you feel love and it is aching inside? How could you feel thankful and yet not bitter? Saying goodbye was easy, letting go itself is kindness on my part. Friendship is a gift but it is not an immediate substitute to affection, friends for now but not now, later for sure.

Love, I learned can be felt alone, the intimate and passionate one. It is love in its true and raw form. Love exists. However the experience between the two people will be different. When it does, when two people experience the same thing in the same moment, in the same space, then the kiss is perfect…the experience of love is perfect—the sad thing about the best thing in life, nothing last forever, even this perfect experience.

I said goodbye, I promised to be kind to myself by saying goodbye. Hurting is not part of my dream, my resistance was in vain, the battle and the war have been already lost. But there is no conflict except desires melting, dreams fading, and memories refreshing itself in every cells until the so called "time heal wounds" have taken effect. I am recovering not from the heart break but the pieces, fitting them together, until it will be once more ideal.

Right now I have a question, an inquiry, how do you really measure love? By the time? Or by the sacrifices made? Or by the intensity of the feeling? I cannot answer to that. But what is essential is the fact of love and loving, although it is an affection felt by a single person alone and not by two people.

I will keep it as a memory, I don't know if I gonna recall it later, coz it is happening right now, this soon. I know it is unfair and unkind on my part but I believe it is a way of picking up the pieces. Nothing really went wrong but the circumstances as I have said were not on my side. Life is still unfair. But being unfair is not bad, it is not just the proper or should I say the real time. I have made my love so real, to the extreme extent it could kill me, luckily it didn't happened. I don't want to kill myself for love but I want to die for love or loving someone.

Why did I say goodbye although deep inside I am aching, crying for acknowledgement that I am capable of love. I said goodbye because of impressions. The moment I saw him, it was so magical that "lost" is the perfect description. Suddenly life, the world was perfect. It was a first impression. But first impression was hard to maintain in the next hours or in the coming days but love keep me enchanted. And I’ve learned too that the last impression we made was the only thing that marks in the people's brain for so long as if it is the only sensible thing to remember. I want our goodbye cool and not as passionate as the first impression. Why? Because after all the love had gone, all will be left are memories to inspire e to love again somebody as good as this…

To forget the pain, although it was part of the picture I won't deny.

Finally I am stepping clear out of it, yes I was hoping he will come back, but time or somebody and myself, sooner or later will diminished this flame away. I know love is not the only virtue that keeps the world revolving, why do you think we are apart because I believe in honesty, I uphold them against the love I been waiting for. Love has a pretty face, a flaming kiss, and insane desire. Truth and honesty, meanwhile, are monsters. Love didn’t make me happy or right. Honesty and truth didn’t too. Maybe for now, I don't need the result coz i don't know how to clean my hands. But a choice had been made.

Letting go is not perfect. But something got to give. It is not really about letting go but learning the hard way.


[It seems improper to post consecutively considering this is not my blog. My apology, I can't help it. I'm so sorry for this is an recycled entry. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Tomorrow I'll be having my version of stand alone complex: i'll wake up, i'll go to work, i'll go home, i'll sleep...senti mode ang kupal. Next time probably not tomorrow or the next day, i'll try to publish something tutyy fruity and light.]

Tyler's "Cat"

At first I really thought it was his cat. It was enough to replace the word cute.

He said he just grabbed it from the net. How something so fluffy and adorable can only exist in realm intangible to us. I sent a message to Tyler (http://boi-interrupted.blogspot.com/); seek his permission to let me have a grab of that fluffy cat image.

The cat looked like a big Chinese cook ready to serve you special siopao, well to me cats are all chinese, not chinito. I don’t know, siguro chinese ang ancestors nila, then something went wrong with evolution. Aba! Another addition to the missing links. About the siopao, I don’t really care whether it is asado, bola-bola, or combo. I even kidded Tyler, that I’ll stop eating siopao. Most of all, I like the cat’s pink nose and earthen yellow feathers on top of its head, surrounding its ears and half of its eyes. I wonder if it has button pair of gem eyes, and what jewel kaya?

The fluffy cat was smiling exaggeratedly, obviously with the help of the greatest and the worst beauty treatment of all time. This treatment is only available to those who exist in a world where life is in bits and bytes.

Still I sent it to my friend(s). Tyler mentioned it brings “good karma” to people and I was the 15th person to ask for the picture. I guessed it did bring “karma”, because when I first saw it I remembered somebody who loves pet animals so much.

Somebody I trespassed over his solitude, who told me this, “he helped me forget my sad story only to start a new one.” He lives in a city which chilly winds, dramatic landscape, pine trees, and sunrise will mean nothing to me but him—a good friend I only saw twice.

Karma or retribution. Another crime against humanity. How something so fluffy and adorable that only exists in realm intangible makes me sober. I believed Tyler words, that it was a good karma, yet a reminder for me to be patient and not to be so reckless. Right now, I’m just sober.




NOTES:

1[Tyler( http://boi-interrupted.blogspot.com/) thanks for posting the picture of that cat in your blog. I really do think it so fluffy and cute. I really do think it is a lucky charm it is just that my January was a surprisingly crazy month, a long and fast month, yet I gained two special buddies that I don’t wanna see to bother again. All my fault.]

2[I have nothing against the Chinese, and I have no involvement with or responsible about evolution, hindi ko personally kilala si Charles Darwin.]

3[Charles kung nababasa mo ito, please lang dude ‘wag ka nang bumangon to explain your side. Mag-post ka na lang dito sa United] :)

How Do You Keep A Nightmare At Bay (Frozen Aize Remix)

"Punta ka dito sa place ko, fuck ka namin ng kasama ko kahit buong araw pa," was his catchphrase that left me defenseless. Out of extreme restlessness and boredom, I went to his place later that day and got the challenge I've been dying to have for so many years after I tried hooking up with guys. His talent is extremely unimaginable - it still sends shivers throughout my spine whenever I remember how we did it in the bathroom, in the shower. The second player, did not participate out of lack of interest perhaps... but many many years after it happened, I still wonder how kinky it could have been if I fought two top guys that afternoon in bed.

I remember him, tall and slim. I could still close my eyes and imagine how fiery and intense his small eyes was, and how he caressed my legs that triggered my inner demons to respond to his advances. He was aggressive for his young age; in the way he soaped my warm body, in the way he bit my lips when we torridly kissed one another, in the way he sucked my man-nipples and licked my armpits, his every move shows how advanced his techniques were in the art of pleasure.

He even rimmed my ass which made me groan so loud, I thought the sounds and cusses I made would tempt his housemate to join us. Finally, using his impressively massive manhood, the extreme pain and pleasure I got from his forceful thrusts made me realize how fulfilling the bottom role is. I matched his dominance with my submission and in the end, our masculinity overpowered both of us. It was a Yin-Yang moment that I still fantasize until now.

---

He promised me that there would be a second confrontation. Apparently, he was satisfied with the perfomance I gave him that he looked forward to have more. But in a lifestyle where sex is dispensable, one's performance is as good as his last - unless bonding ties could be established while copulating. Weeks, months and years have passed but there was no word from him. There were times he would make his presence felt and still, the horny episodes I had with him sends shivers throughout my nerves. My Darkstar side longs for him but I tend to overpower this desire with all the restraint I could give, in order to avoid a pre-emptive strike with the guy.

For he is a kind of war that I am afraid I could not resist fighting.

And so one lonely night, I decided to erase his number once and for all. I was already on the verge of settling down then and declare my self-imposed domestication to my partner. But despite the stillness, there are parts of me that longs for him.

"Just another round to please my inner monstrosity. This time I will show you how ferocious I really am." Says in my thoughts. But opportunity is against me, I am aware of that. This time, there will be an overwhelming sense of guilt that may snap anytime once I fall into his temptation again.

In time, sugarcoated dreams begins to enshroud his memory. The only remaining traces of him briefly re-emerges whenever I am in a state of desperate need to address my heat. However, life has its own way of getting back at you just when you have almost flushed all thoughts of seeing him again someday.

This evening, I discovered his nasty presence in G4M, for he sent me this cryptic message that awakened the dark carnal memories again.

"my name is aize you can reach me at 0915... i would be more than happy to cum with you in most of the time "

Please, after so many years of deep sleep, may you never bring the lusty nightmares back.