Old and Rusted

originally written - December 8, 2006 11:50pm

a while back, while in a cab to work
my friend patrick & i was texting:

pat: e kaw, kamusta naman dyan?
me: oki pa rin, toxic sa work as always
pat: ganun ba. e ang puso mo?
me: i dont have a heart, i just have a dick and a future to focus on, in life you can’t have everything

then after pressing send i started to slump on my seat
deep inside i felt very bad, my response seems to feel so real
for it was the first thought out of my mind…
sobbing inside, i got no more tears to shed…

i felt bad…. i felt hopeless…

yesterday was my one of my bestfriend’s 1st year death anniversary
i was with my ex when we visited his grave lunchtime
a lot has happened to me this past year after his passing…

for one i got promoted, something that i can only dream of, 5 years ago
it’s a four year climb to the top and am very proud… am very happy…
happiness that now proved too short to remember.

they say the higher you go up, the lonelier it gets…
true enough after a while, the usual stuff that made me happy
doesn’t seem enough anymore… i became restless and bold
i started experimenting, i started deviating,
now i can't recognize myself anymore...

maybe because i got no one…
the 3 most important guys in my life i cant reach...
1 died, 1 is busy, 1 is just miles away…
now i got no one else...

i was always on the watch out for the right one,
i pretended to be tough but deep inside i was cramming…
maybe because i know i need the right one to straighten out my life,
the right one before i become irreparable…

why is it everytime I get to meet someone I really like…
everytime i decide to allow myself to fall…
everytime i decide to make myself vulnerable…
…something stupid always happens

maybe it’s karma… yeah maybe it is…
for i had my share of mess ups and shame…

contrary to what i texted patrick….
my heart is the most important and overused part of me
it has gone through tough times…
mangled, smudged, squeezed, ambushed, stressed,
burned, stabbed and left for dead
resuscitated, revived, restarted and rebooted a couple of times.

now it has come to a point it can no longer take anymore shit
hardened with grief and pain but still beating with the last remaining hope
only good news is, its still got time for one more…
only one more…

life must go on, now am setting my heart aside…
resting, old and rusted…
but its still here… just waiting for its last user
the one with the correct login name and password…

Outside Looking In

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated :::Drops of Jupiter By Trains:::


The night had come stolen, later broken by the softest smile on his face. I was taken out of deliverance that I can no longer continue. The seconds were spent into fragments of inspiration I held sacred before.

It was one of lazy afternoons I always have and probably kept very special in my own silly ways. The 4’oclock sun was unforgiving compared to my slow uncalculated steps I made on the concrete pathway. Yes, I was alone and I didn’t know if I was reminiscing or daydreaming but the only thing I was sure of was that I wasn’t lonely or compelled to be cruel to myself that day.
Then he knocked me in a pleasant surprise almost an answered prayer I never knew I uttered every night. I was always forgetful and the so called love was not on my side ever since, for I never believed in it. So I guess—if I was still privileged to guess that it was not love at first sight anyhow. I was glad of it.

Time was mine and all logic won’t fall apart. This was the course I follow so well and because of this virtue I felt terrified. Thoughts of losing someone and be driven into complications was not worth my ego. I was happy to be me, myself, and I.

He gave me roses but I didn’t--. I sighed and said his eyes were dreamy. He dedicated a poem for me and I didn’t--. I never smile back but I mentioned to him that poems were for dead lovers. He cried when I knew should be breaking down but I wasn’t. I’ve told everyone he was giving me the creeps.

Before, I’ve always known how things should work or which could be better but it turned out my heart and soul wasn’t as comprehending as much as my head does.
With the gentlest hand that ever touched my face he revealed the rest to me and asked him with utmost concern the thing I never said to anyone before: Would it be fair?

Yes he whispered.

…and suddenly love was a crime. It was my best.
Passion after passion made the missing gaps of my life eternally found and burning. Or maybe I wasn’t really aware of what I was really missing—for the first time the restless heart found its place in him. I looked at the palms of my hand after the solace of the night; he traced the lines and said in my ears it was destiny.

Another kiss, another time to be one.

The dawn had arrived and the morning sky crushed me along with the same smile of hims still imprinted in my head. I was torn out of freedom if there’s a need for me to be myself again. It lasted longer than a moment.

Now, I was running away from it like thunderstorms were chasing me. It happened and I was in it what I’ve made others felt before. But this time there were no screams, no slamming doors, and no packed clothes.

It is supposed to be my game—my only and favorite game. Never have I expected someone could bend the rules and run it on me. I don’t know if I ought to learn the things at the end of the story, but they call it regret—to my surprise. Sometimes the only thing I am searching for my entire life is the one thing I am always afraid of.



And tell me, did Venus blow your mind:::Drops of Jupiter by Trains:::





NOTES:

[Edited. It is a work of fiction years ago. I am sort of visionary, I am so scared now I gotta quit writing in first person.]

[It applies to love in particular pero this time and life in general (so much about love that I don't wanna talk about it). Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, I was hanging around in Informatics Megamall after work, I saw the girl who slapped me last year May 24, 2006. It was my birthday that day, also in front of Informatics, in full glory of all mall goers. No, she was not my ex. Just an indirect casualty of my recklessness with words. Seeing her again make me scared. I thought I recovered, but I was traumatized pala. What a Valentine’s Day to me. Pero that’s life eh. Uhmm ok lang...kasi I know most people are afraid of truth, ayaw nila sa itsura ng pangit na katotohanan. Pero ito mas masakit: ala pa kaming sueldo..bukas pa, Friday. Tapos minus pa ko four days.]

HANG ON OR LET GO

reposted from my personal blog www.ironicguy.blogspot.com

When i was a little kid, i fell from a tree... but i managed to hold on to a branch... i was up there for a long time and waited...the silence, the pain in my arms, the blood pumping in my ears,...then i fell... i couldnt remember what happened when i hit the ground, all i could remember was the agony of holding on and the wonderful feeling of letting go. Its painful to hang on and wait for nothing. At times we should learn to give way and let go, we just got to move on.

They say we have to master the art of letting go, yet how could it be?! Its easy said than done. For the heart refuses what the mind is thinking. They just cant be synchronized that easy. Hahay. What a dilemma it would be.

It all started with my controversial blog, Kaibigan Usap Tayo, a lot of readers had been intrigued with it. I got series of reactions from friends and even from strangers in the friendster world. One particular reaction lead to an opening of the angst and pains that is brought by this so called love.

There comes a time when you meet someone and felt that s/he will be the person that you gonna share your entire life with. And yes i meet her. With my past brought to the realm of forgetfullness, i somehow manage to create a new vision of my tomorrow with a girl whom i loved very much. Though i never felt the love was reciprocated on its level of intensity, still blinded by the strong emotion.

And now it has slowly fade to nothingness, there is still the love, yes i must admit, i was going madly crazy inlove. My life is never been the same again. The strength that i got with the once blooming relationship had weaken as the days gone by. Im sorry but i just fall in love, and it is not a sin to fall.

Many of us believe that love is forever, that love never dies, only to be disillusioned in the end when we find our hands empty and our hearts longing. We mistakenly have looked at love as a need to be fulfilled, but love is only a gift given to us, we should not hold it in our hands for we may never find the strength to let it go when it decides to leave. We should only embrace its warmth and glow while it lasts and then freely open our arms when its time to say goodbye.

As long as there is no final words of goodbye. A little hope sprouts from my innermost being telling me that everything will gonna be fine. AFterall its much better to say, "hang on" than to say goodbye. :(

POSCRIPT:

Sometimes it's better to have forgiven and forgotten than never to have argued at all
for these are the things that build your ccharacter
that strengthen your love
and enlarge your capacity to love and be loved, many words cause many pains
sometimes the pain doesn't heal so easily
but it is part of building , of growing, of living and loving, I saw a picture and got that she was wrong but it will still be better for you to try to be friends again and act in love
then she can take it or leave it but you willhave made the right choice
it will all work out for good somehow
she is making choices still so it as of now undetermined, but very soon all will be revealed