Old and Rusted

originally written - December 8, 2006 11:50pm

a while back, while in a cab to work
my friend patrick & i was texting:

pat: e kaw, kamusta naman dyan?
me: oki pa rin, toxic sa work as always
pat: ganun ba. e ang puso mo?
me: i dont have a heart, i just have a dick and a future to focus on, in life you can’t have everything

then after pressing send i started to slump on my seat
deep inside i felt very bad, my response seems to feel so real
for it was the first thought out of my mind…
sobbing inside, i got no more tears to shed…

i felt bad…. i felt hopeless…

yesterday was my one of my bestfriend’s 1st year death anniversary
i was with my ex when we visited his grave lunchtime
a lot has happened to me this past year after his passing…

for one i got promoted, something that i can only dream of, 5 years ago
it’s a four year climb to the top and am very proud… am very happy…
happiness that now proved too short to remember.

they say the higher you go up, the lonelier it gets…
true enough after a while, the usual stuff that made me happy
doesn’t seem enough anymore… i became restless and bold
i started experimenting, i started deviating,
now i can't recognize myself anymore...

maybe because i got no one…
the 3 most important guys in my life i cant reach...
1 died, 1 is busy, 1 is just miles away…
now i got no one else...

i was always on the watch out for the right one,
i pretended to be tough but deep inside i was cramming…
maybe because i know i need the right one to straighten out my life,
the right one before i become irreparable…

why is it everytime I get to meet someone I really like…
everytime i decide to allow myself to fall…
everytime i decide to make myself vulnerable…
…something stupid always happens

maybe it’s karma… yeah maybe it is…
for i had my share of mess ups and shame…

contrary to what i texted patrick….
my heart is the most important and overused part of me
it has gone through tough times…
mangled, smudged, squeezed, ambushed, stressed,
burned, stabbed and left for dead
resuscitated, revived, restarted and rebooted a couple of times.

now it has come to a point it can no longer take anymore shit
hardened with grief and pain but still beating with the last remaining hope
only good news is, its still got time for one more…
only one more…

life must go on, now am setting my heart aside…
resting, old and rusted…
but its still here… just waiting for its last user
the one with the correct login name and password…

HANG ON OR LET GO

reposted from my personal blog www.ironicguy.blogspot.com

When i was a little kid, i fell from a tree... but i managed to hold on to a branch... i was up there for a long time and waited...the silence, the pain in my arms, the blood pumping in my ears,...then i fell... i couldnt remember what happened when i hit the ground, all i could remember was the agony of holding on and the wonderful feeling of letting go. Its painful to hang on and wait for nothing. At times we should learn to give way and let go, we just got to move on.

They say we have to master the art of letting go, yet how could it be?! Its easy said than done. For the heart refuses what the mind is thinking. They just cant be synchronized that easy. Hahay. What a dilemma it would be.

It all started with my controversial blog, Kaibigan Usap Tayo, a lot of readers had been intrigued with it. I got series of reactions from friends and even from strangers in the friendster world. One particular reaction lead to an opening of the angst and pains that is brought by this so called love.

There comes a time when you meet someone and felt that s/he will be the person that you gonna share your entire life with. And yes i meet her. With my past brought to the realm of forgetfullness, i somehow manage to create a new vision of my tomorrow with a girl whom i loved very much. Though i never felt the love was reciprocated on its level of intensity, still blinded by the strong emotion.

And now it has slowly fade to nothingness, there is still the love, yes i must admit, i was going madly crazy inlove. My life is never been the same again. The strength that i got with the once blooming relationship had weaken as the days gone by. Im sorry but i just fall in love, and it is not a sin to fall.

Many of us believe that love is forever, that love never dies, only to be disillusioned in the end when we find our hands empty and our hearts longing. We mistakenly have looked at love as a need to be fulfilled, but love is only a gift given to us, we should not hold it in our hands for we may never find the strength to let it go when it decides to leave. We should only embrace its warmth and glow while it lasts and then freely open our arms when its time to say goodbye.

As long as there is no final words of goodbye. A little hope sprouts from my innermost being telling me that everything will gonna be fine. AFterall its much better to say, "hang on" than to say goodbye. :(

POSCRIPT:

Sometimes it's better to have forgiven and forgotten than never to have argued at all
for these are the things that build your ccharacter
that strengthen your love
and enlarge your capacity to love and be loved, many words cause many pains
sometimes the pain doesn't heal so easily
but it is part of building , of growing, of living and loving, I saw a picture and got that she was wrong but it will still be better for you to try to be friends again and act in love
then she can take it or leave it but you willhave made the right choice
it will all work out for good somehow
she is making choices still so it as of now undetermined, but very soon all will be revealed