Old and Rusted

originally written - December 8, 2006 11:50pm

a while back, while in a cab to work
my friend patrick & i was texting:

pat: e kaw, kamusta naman dyan?
me: oki pa rin, toxic sa work as always
pat: ganun ba. e ang puso mo?
me: i dont have a heart, i just have a dick and a future to focus on, in life you can’t have everything

then after pressing send i started to slump on my seat
deep inside i felt very bad, my response seems to feel so real
for it was the first thought out of my mind…
sobbing inside, i got no more tears to shed…

i felt bad…. i felt hopeless…

yesterday was my one of my bestfriend’s 1st year death anniversary
i was with my ex when we visited his grave lunchtime
a lot has happened to me this past year after his passing…

for one i got promoted, something that i can only dream of, 5 years ago
it’s a four year climb to the top and am very proud… am very happy…
happiness that now proved too short to remember.

they say the higher you go up, the lonelier it gets…
true enough after a while, the usual stuff that made me happy
doesn’t seem enough anymore… i became restless and bold
i started experimenting, i started deviating,
now i can't recognize myself anymore...

maybe because i got no one…
the 3 most important guys in my life i cant reach...
1 died, 1 is busy, 1 is just miles away…
now i got no one else...

i was always on the watch out for the right one,
i pretended to be tough but deep inside i was cramming…
maybe because i know i need the right one to straighten out my life,
the right one before i become irreparable…

why is it everytime I get to meet someone I really like…
everytime i decide to allow myself to fall…
everytime i decide to make myself vulnerable…
…something stupid always happens

maybe it’s karma… yeah maybe it is…
for i had my share of mess ups and shame…

contrary to what i texted patrick….
my heart is the most important and overused part of me
it has gone through tough times…
mangled, smudged, squeezed, ambushed, stressed,
burned, stabbed and left for dead
resuscitated, revived, restarted and rebooted a couple of times.

now it has come to a point it can no longer take anymore shit
hardened with grief and pain but still beating with the last remaining hope
only good news is, its still got time for one more…
only one more…

life must go on, now am setting my heart aside…
resting, old and rusted…
but its still here… just waiting for its last user
the one with the correct login name and password…

Outside Looking In

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated :::Drops of Jupiter By Trains:::


The night had come stolen, later broken by the softest smile on his face. I was taken out of deliverance that I can no longer continue. The seconds were spent into fragments of inspiration I held sacred before.

It was one of lazy afternoons I always have and probably kept very special in my own silly ways. The 4’oclock sun was unforgiving compared to my slow uncalculated steps I made on the concrete pathway. Yes, I was alone and I didn’t know if I was reminiscing or daydreaming but the only thing I was sure of was that I wasn’t lonely or compelled to be cruel to myself that day.
Then he knocked me in a pleasant surprise almost an answered prayer I never knew I uttered every night. I was always forgetful and the so called love was not on my side ever since, for I never believed in it. So I guess—if I was still privileged to guess that it was not love at first sight anyhow. I was glad of it.

Time was mine and all logic won’t fall apart. This was the course I follow so well and because of this virtue I felt terrified. Thoughts of losing someone and be driven into complications was not worth my ego. I was happy to be me, myself, and I.

He gave me roses but I didn’t--. I sighed and said his eyes were dreamy. He dedicated a poem for me and I didn’t--. I never smile back but I mentioned to him that poems were for dead lovers. He cried when I knew should be breaking down but I wasn’t. I’ve told everyone he was giving me the creeps.

Before, I’ve always known how things should work or which could be better but it turned out my heart and soul wasn’t as comprehending as much as my head does.
With the gentlest hand that ever touched my face he revealed the rest to me and asked him with utmost concern the thing I never said to anyone before: Would it be fair?

Yes he whispered.

…and suddenly love was a crime. It was my best.
Passion after passion made the missing gaps of my life eternally found and burning. Or maybe I wasn’t really aware of what I was really missing—for the first time the restless heart found its place in him. I looked at the palms of my hand after the solace of the night; he traced the lines and said in my ears it was destiny.

Another kiss, another time to be one.

The dawn had arrived and the morning sky crushed me along with the same smile of hims still imprinted in my head. I was torn out of freedom if there’s a need for me to be myself again. It lasted longer than a moment.

Now, I was running away from it like thunderstorms were chasing me. It happened and I was in it what I’ve made others felt before. But this time there were no screams, no slamming doors, and no packed clothes.

It is supposed to be my game—my only and favorite game. Never have I expected someone could bend the rules and run it on me. I don’t know if I ought to learn the things at the end of the story, but they call it regret—to my surprise. Sometimes the only thing I am searching for my entire life is the one thing I am always afraid of.



And tell me, did Venus blow your mind:::Drops of Jupiter by Trains:::





NOTES:

[Edited. It is a work of fiction years ago. I am sort of visionary, I am so scared now I gotta quit writing in first person.]

[It applies to love in particular pero this time and life in general (so much about love that I don't wanna talk about it). Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, I was hanging around in Informatics Megamall after work, I saw the girl who slapped me last year May 24, 2006. It was my birthday that day, also in front of Informatics, in full glory of all mall goers. No, she was not my ex. Just an indirect casualty of my recklessness with words. Seeing her again make me scared. I thought I recovered, but I was traumatized pala. What a Valentine’s Day to me. Pero that’s life eh. Uhmm ok lang...kasi I know most people are afraid of truth, ayaw nila sa itsura ng pangit na katotohanan. Pero ito mas masakit: ala pa kaming sueldo..bukas pa, Friday. Tapos minus pa ko four days.]

Tyler's "Cat"

At first I really thought it was his cat. It was enough to replace the word cute.

He said he just grabbed it from the net. How something so fluffy and adorable can only exist in realm intangible to us. I sent a message to Tyler (http://boi-interrupted.blogspot.com/); seek his permission to let me have a grab of that fluffy cat image.

The cat looked like a big Chinese cook ready to serve you special siopao, well to me cats are all chinese, not chinito. I don’t know, siguro chinese ang ancestors nila, then something went wrong with evolution. Aba! Another addition to the missing links. About the siopao, I don’t really care whether it is asado, bola-bola, or combo. I even kidded Tyler, that I’ll stop eating siopao. Most of all, I like the cat’s pink nose and earthen yellow feathers on top of its head, surrounding its ears and half of its eyes. I wonder if it has button pair of gem eyes, and what jewel kaya?

The fluffy cat was smiling exaggeratedly, obviously with the help of the greatest and the worst beauty treatment of all time. This treatment is only available to those who exist in a world where life is in bits and bytes.

Still I sent it to my friend(s). Tyler mentioned it brings “good karma” to people and I was the 15th person to ask for the picture. I guessed it did bring “karma”, because when I first saw it I remembered somebody who loves pet animals so much.

Somebody I trespassed over his solitude, who told me this, “he helped me forget my sad story only to start a new one.” He lives in a city which chilly winds, dramatic landscape, pine trees, and sunrise will mean nothing to me but him—a good friend I only saw twice.

Karma or retribution. Another crime against humanity. How something so fluffy and adorable that only exists in realm intangible makes me sober. I believed Tyler words, that it was a good karma, yet a reminder for me to be patient and not to be so reckless. Right now, I’m just sober.




NOTES:

1[Tyler( http://boi-interrupted.blogspot.com/) thanks for posting the picture of that cat in your blog. I really do think it so fluffy and cute. I really do think it is a lucky charm it is just that my January was a surprisingly crazy month, a long and fast month, yet I gained two special buddies that I don’t wanna see to bother again. All my fault.]

2[I have nothing against the Chinese, and I have no involvement with or responsible about evolution, hindi ko personally kilala si Charles Darwin.]

3[Charles kung nababasa mo ito, please lang dude ‘wag ka nang bumangon to explain your side. Mag-post ka na lang dito sa United] :)