Old and Rusted

originally written - December 8, 2006 11:50pm

a while back, while in a cab to work
my friend patrick & i was texting:

pat: e kaw, kamusta naman dyan?
me: oki pa rin, toxic sa work as always
pat: ganun ba. e ang puso mo?
me: i dont have a heart, i just have a dick and a future to focus on, in life you can’t have everything

then after pressing send i started to slump on my seat
deep inside i felt very bad, my response seems to feel so real
for it was the first thought out of my mind…
sobbing inside, i got no more tears to shed…

i felt bad…. i felt hopeless…

yesterday was my one of my bestfriend’s 1st year death anniversary
i was with my ex when we visited his grave lunchtime
a lot has happened to me this past year after his passing…

for one i got promoted, something that i can only dream of, 5 years ago
it’s a four year climb to the top and am very proud… am very happy…
happiness that now proved too short to remember.

they say the higher you go up, the lonelier it gets…
true enough after a while, the usual stuff that made me happy
doesn’t seem enough anymore… i became restless and bold
i started experimenting, i started deviating,
now i can't recognize myself anymore...

maybe because i got no one…
the 3 most important guys in my life i cant reach...
1 died, 1 is busy, 1 is just miles away…
now i got no one else...

i was always on the watch out for the right one,
i pretended to be tough but deep inside i was cramming…
maybe because i know i need the right one to straighten out my life,
the right one before i become irreparable…

why is it everytime I get to meet someone I really like…
everytime i decide to allow myself to fall…
everytime i decide to make myself vulnerable…
…something stupid always happens

maybe it’s karma… yeah maybe it is…
for i had my share of mess ups and shame…

contrary to what i texted patrick….
my heart is the most important and overused part of me
it has gone through tough times…
mangled, smudged, squeezed, ambushed, stressed,
burned, stabbed and left for dead
resuscitated, revived, restarted and rebooted a couple of times.

now it has come to a point it can no longer take anymore shit
hardened with grief and pain but still beating with the last remaining hope
only good news is, its still got time for one more…
only one more…

life must go on, now am setting my heart aside…
resting, old and rusted…
but its still here… just waiting for its last user
the one with the correct login name and password…