The appropriate definition of gay is "a male who is attracted with the same gender".
But in our country, especially in the dominant conservative perspective, it would automatically refer to someone who acts effeminate. I know this is supposed to be wrong but in reality it happens. I think this is the reason why the self-declared bisexuals try to avoid the term.
The word "kikay" has changed its meaning. In post-war era, this used to refer to a flirty girl wearing thick make up and unfashionable/jologs-type outfit. But nowadays it would likely be linked with the term "sexy and fashionable".
I hope that this would also happen to the word "gay/bakla". If every PLU would have the guts to use this term, I think people will give due dignity to us if we ourselves would initiate such courageous move. There is power in unity but this wouldn't happen if we keep on bashing our race. World peace ; )
Showing posts with label PLU. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PLU. Show all posts
Friday, February 1, 2008
Friday, April 13, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Red Squared
Using wikimapia, I discovered some of the spots where people like us often hang out. Please take note that I've never been to most of these places, and the reason I found them in the map is because of some leads that I've heard from people who have already been there before.
Check them out and tell me, if these cyberslackershave pinpointed the official cruising places correctly.
Check them out and tell me, if these cyberslackershave pinpointed the official cruising places correctly.
Farenheit Cafe and Fitness Center, E. Rodriguez, Quezon City
Palawan Bar I, Cubao, Quezon City
Government, Makati Avenue, Makati City
Epitome Club, Malate, Manila
BED, Rainbow Project, Orosa Courtyard, Malate, Manila
Club Bath, Pasay City
Saturday, February 17, 2007
My Very First Man To Man Encounter
February 15, 2002
---
Galing ako sa meeting ng org ko noon. Palibhasa'y isang linggo na lang at campus elections na, ngarag lahat ng tao sa partido. Buti na lang at graduating na ako ng mga panahong yun kaya madali lang para sa akin ang pumuslit at gumawa ng alibi, sakaling tamarin akong makisama sa kanila.
Ilang linggo bago mangyari ang gabing yun, natanggap ko na sa sarili ko na hindi talaga ako straight. Sa wakas, matatapos na ang mga umagang pinapaso ko ang aking daliri upang ipaalala sa sarili ko na hindi ako maaring maging bading. Matatapos na rin ang mga dapithapong nilulusob ko ang Quiapo, pakunwaring bibili ng pirated na XXX sabay magprepretend na kasama sa mga bibilihin ko eh yung mga pinakabago nilang M2M na nakadisplay rin sa mga dingding ng tindahan nila.
Yun GEB na yun ang gabi ng aking paglaya.
---
Sa tulong ng Pinoyexchange, may nadiskubre akong forum kung saan nagkukumpulan ang mga bisexual na katulad ko noon. Base sa mga post nila, tagos hanggang buto ko ang pangungulila at pagkatakot na nararamdaman nila. Tuwang tuwa ako sa kaisipang, hindi pala ako nag-iisa. Na marami pala ang katulad ko ang naghahanap ng uunawa sa kanilang pagkatao. Yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung gaano ba sila katotoo sa mga sinasabi nila. Noong mga panahon kasing yun, wala pa sa mindset ko na pwede mong sabihing bisexual ka, pero sabog sabog naman ang pagiging effem mo.
Hindi ko alam na sa mundo ng mga bading, meron palang division na namamagitan sa mga paminta at tukling.
Maghahatinggabi nang makarating ako sa Malate. Sabi ng organizer, nandun daw sila sa bar na ang pangalan ay La Dida. Nung una parang balewala lang sakin ang lahat. Tutal, may kasama rin naman silang mga lesbyana kaya mahuli man ako ng kung sinuman galing sa aking campus, parang nakipagbonding lang ako sa mga coed kong high school friends.
Umakyat ako ng second floor upang kitain sila. Tanda ko pa nun na ang daming tao. May mga babae na feminate, meron rin namang tomboy na mukhang lalaki. Merong mga grupo ng lalaki dun na akala mo ay astigin na nakikipag-inuman lang. Matapos ang maraming taon, naliwanagan rin ako na lahat pala yun hindi straight katulad ko.
At dahil masyadong maingay sa bar na yun nang dumating ako, pumasok ako sa isa sa mga bathrooms upang tawagan ang organizer. Yun pala nalampasan ko na sila.
Hindi ko inaasahan na yung grupo ng mga lalaki't babaeng maiingay at naghaharutan ang grupong kikitain ko.
---
My first encounter was a culture shock.
---
I went to the GEB expecting that I would meet people who were straight-acting like me. But they were fine nonetheless. Being a member of a political party taught me to respect personal differences, even if the person you are talking to is a screaming diva.
What caught my initial attention are the ladies who were with us. I thought that they were straight since they acted more girly than those I hanged out in school. It turned out that the gorgeous ladies who are with us were all lesbians. Before that, I thought lesbians were only reserved for those in the tom-boy category.
I have already forgotten how many people were there during that GEB. I have also forgotten how many bottles of beer I consumed or how many people I have talked to during that evening. But one thing I still remember until now is the 18-year old chinito guy who was seated alone with them. He was extremely lonely that night and since no one would talk to him, I just decided to hang-out with him and spend the rest of the night knowing more about his life.
It was the year Joyrise became a club favorite.
Five years ago, that Grand Eye Ball was the reason why I never left Malate ever since.
---
Past Forward:
The chinito guy and I became textmates. When I returned to the meeting that early morning, I realized that I liked him and he overturned my feelings for several weeks after that fateful meet up. That weekend, I asked him if we could meet somewhere near his place. During those early times, hanging out in some guy's place with us together and alone DOESN't ring a different tune to me.
And it was that hang-out in his place that got me my first man to man make out kiss. It turns out that he liked me as well. Too bad, I was too nervous when we did that, and it turned him off. I swear, if my knowledge in the arts of pleasure during those days was as advanced as it is today, things would have been very different.
I would have eaten him alive.
And imagine doing those things behind my ex-girlfriend's back...
It turns out, someone from the GEB likes the chinito guy as well. Unfortunately, I was more aggresive than him so I got my prize, even if I just enjoyed a slice of it.
A week after, I found out that the more "straight-acting" guys who belonged to the same thread conducts their own GEB's too. It was the faction where I met the guys who would become my future tropa. For the first time after my first meet up with bisexuals, I've realized that you can be a bisexual without acting too effeminate because of that faction.
That same week, the other guy found out that I was fishing his bet. For a brief moment, it sparked a cold conflict between us. Good thing, many folks from the thread never took sides. Eventually we decided to patch our differences and this other guy that we both liked found another eyecandy.
However, despite those concessions, I remained madly infatuated with the chinito guy for weeks.
During our next GEB, which was a month after the first one. I was already comfortable with everyone. At the same time, my gaydar was already tuned to pinpoint non-straights from the straight people.
That same gaydar detected someone, who would eventually become my sidekick until now.
---
Ika-apat na linggo matapos ang una kong Grand Eyeball.
Na-meet ko si parekoy*.
Kasama pa ang kanyang dating boyfriend.
---
Galing ako sa meeting ng org ko noon. Palibhasa'y isang linggo na lang at campus elections na, ngarag lahat ng tao sa partido. Buti na lang at graduating na ako ng mga panahong yun kaya madali lang para sa akin ang pumuslit at gumawa ng alibi, sakaling tamarin akong makisama sa kanila.
Ilang linggo bago mangyari ang gabing yun, natanggap ko na sa sarili ko na hindi talaga ako straight. Sa wakas, matatapos na ang mga umagang pinapaso ko ang aking daliri upang ipaalala sa sarili ko na hindi ako maaring maging bading. Matatapos na rin ang mga dapithapong nilulusob ko ang Quiapo, pakunwaring bibili ng pirated na XXX sabay magprepretend na kasama sa mga bibilihin ko eh yung mga pinakabago nilang M2M na nakadisplay rin sa mga dingding ng tindahan nila.
Yun GEB na yun ang gabi ng aking paglaya.
---
Sa tulong ng Pinoyexchange, may nadiskubre akong forum kung saan nagkukumpulan ang mga bisexual na katulad ko noon. Base sa mga post nila, tagos hanggang buto ko ang pangungulila at pagkatakot na nararamdaman nila. Tuwang tuwa ako sa kaisipang, hindi pala ako nag-iisa. Na marami pala ang katulad ko ang naghahanap ng uunawa sa kanilang pagkatao. Yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung gaano ba sila katotoo sa mga sinasabi nila. Noong mga panahon kasing yun, wala pa sa mindset ko na pwede mong sabihing bisexual ka, pero sabog sabog naman ang pagiging effem mo.
Hindi ko alam na sa mundo ng mga bading, meron palang division na namamagitan sa mga paminta at tukling.
Maghahatinggabi nang makarating ako sa Malate. Sabi ng organizer, nandun daw sila sa bar na ang pangalan ay La Dida. Nung una parang balewala lang sakin ang lahat. Tutal, may kasama rin naman silang mga lesbyana kaya mahuli man ako ng kung sinuman galing sa aking campus, parang nakipagbonding lang ako sa mga coed kong high school friends.
Umakyat ako ng second floor upang kitain sila. Tanda ko pa nun na ang daming tao. May mga babae na feminate, meron rin namang tomboy na mukhang lalaki. Merong mga grupo ng lalaki dun na akala mo ay astigin na nakikipag-inuman lang. Matapos ang maraming taon, naliwanagan rin ako na lahat pala yun hindi straight katulad ko.
At dahil masyadong maingay sa bar na yun nang dumating ako, pumasok ako sa isa sa mga bathrooms upang tawagan ang organizer. Yun pala nalampasan ko na sila.
Hindi ko inaasahan na yung grupo ng mga lalaki't babaeng maiingay at naghaharutan ang grupong kikitain ko.
---
My first encounter was a culture shock.
---
I went to the GEB expecting that I would meet people who were straight-acting like me. But they were fine nonetheless. Being a member of a political party taught me to respect personal differences, even if the person you are talking to is a screaming diva.
What caught my initial attention are the ladies who were with us. I thought that they were straight since they acted more girly than those I hanged out in school. It turned out that the gorgeous ladies who are with us were all lesbians. Before that, I thought lesbians were only reserved for those in the tom-boy category.
I have already forgotten how many people were there during that GEB. I have also forgotten how many bottles of beer I consumed or how many people I have talked to during that evening. But one thing I still remember until now is the 18-year old chinito guy who was seated alone with them. He was extremely lonely that night and since no one would talk to him, I just decided to hang-out with him and spend the rest of the night knowing more about his life.
It was the year Joyrise became a club favorite.
Five years ago, that Grand Eye Ball was the reason why I never left Malate ever since.
---
Past Forward:
The chinito guy and I became textmates. When I returned to the meeting that early morning, I realized that I liked him and he overturned my feelings for several weeks after that fateful meet up. That weekend, I asked him if we could meet somewhere near his place. During those early times, hanging out in some guy's place with us together and alone DOESN't ring a different tune to me.
And it was that hang-out in his place that got me my first man to man make out kiss. It turns out that he liked me as well. Too bad, I was too nervous when we did that, and it turned him off. I swear, if my knowledge in the arts of pleasure during those days was as advanced as it is today, things would have been very different.
I would have eaten him alive.
And imagine doing those things behind my ex-girlfriend's back...
It turns out, someone from the GEB likes the chinito guy as well. Unfortunately, I was more aggresive than him so I got my prize, even if I just enjoyed a slice of it.
A week after, I found out that the more "straight-acting" guys who belonged to the same thread conducts their own GEB's too. It was the faction where I met the guys who would become my future tropa. For the first time after my first meet up with bisexuals, I've realized that you can be a bisexual without acting too effeminate because of that faction.
That same week, the other guy found out that I was fishing his bet. For a brief moment, it sparked a cold conflict between us. Good thing, many folks from the thread never took sides. Eventually we decided to patch our differences and this other guy that we both liked found another eyecandy.
However, despite those concessions, I remained madly infatuated with the chinito guy for weeks.
During our next GEB, which was a month after the first one. I was already comfortable with everyone. At the same time, my gaydar was already tuned to pinpoint non-straights from the straight people.
That same gaydar detected someone, who would eventually become my sidekick until now.
---
Ika-apat na linggo matapos ang una kong Grand Eyeball.
Na-meet ko si parekoy*.
Kasama pa ang kanyang dating boyfriend.
*parekoy - bestfriend, see mugenblog for more entries about this guy.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Rules Of Engagement
adopted from: www.phanksmaster.blogspot.com
---
How do you get back at an asshole who flirts with your boyfriend 24/7?
---
1. Get the guy's number from your buddy's phone.
2. Access Friendster. Steal a hunk's photo from the website.
3. Create a new account at G4M. Upload the stolen photo(s) of the guy from friendster. Write an interesting profile that would give an impression to readers that your character is very naughty yet leads a very productive life.
4. Include the mobile phone number of the boyfriend-flirter.
---
1. Access MIRC in an internet cafe. Create an attention-grabbing chat handle such as "Tripper9" or "Hunktoploader". Ensure that the chat handle will adopt a very masculine persona in the chatroom.
2. Respond to every sexual ads within your area. Use the G4M account you have created to reinforce the market value of the chat handle you are representing in MIRC.
3. When the final details have been concluded between you and the chatter, use the boyfriend-flirter's number as contact information.
4. Log out from the chatroom. Repeat process number 1.
---
1. Acquire all smut tabloids available in your friendly neighborhood newstand.
2. There is always a textmate's corner in those tabloids. Located at the bottom of the textbox are instructions on how to include your number in their list for the next newspaper issue. Text the number below and request that your number be added to their list.
3. Instead of using your number, use the boyfriend-flirter's mobile number for contact details.
4. Repeat process until you have exhausted all your efforts posting the boyfriend-flirter's number on all tabloids you want his number to appear.
---
There are several channels in UHF/Cable that offers a service where you could post your number to seek "friends." If you're eyes are capable of reading very tiny neon colored advertisements, you can use this service to your shameless plans of getting back at boyfriend-flirter by posting his number there.
---
Emphasize on the masculinity and aggressiveness of your character. Make him appear cool and confident in front of those interested to hook up with you. Focus your attention to persistent effems and parloristas who would surely bring nightmare to your boyfriend-flirter. Physical descriptions would have a multiplier effect, depending on how believable your descriptions would be.
---
And always remember, revenge is ultra sweet especially if the target don't know what hit him.
---
How do you get back at an asshole who flirts with your boyfriend 24/7?
---
1. Get the guy's number from your buddy's phone.
2. Access Friendster. Steal a hunk's photo from the website.
3. Create a new account at G4M. Upload the stolen photo(s) of the guy from friendster. Write an interesting profile that would give an impression to readers that your character is very naughty yet leads a very productive life.
4. Include the mobile phone number of the boyfriend-flirter.
---
1. Access MIRC in an internet cafe. Create an attention-grabbing chat handle such as "Tripper9" or "Hunktoploader". Ensure that the chat handle will adopt a very masculine persona in the chatroom.
2. Respond to every sexual ads within your area. Use the G4M account you have created to reinforce the market value of the chat handle you are representing in MIRC.
3. When the final details have been concluded between you and the chatter, use the boyfriend-flirter's number as contact information.
4. Log out from the chatroom. Repeat process number 1.
---
1. Acquire all smut tabloids available in your friendly neighborhood newstand.
2. There is always a textmate's corner in those tabloids. Located at the bottom of the textbox are instructions on how to include your number in their list for the next newspaper issue. Text the number below and request that your number be added to their list.
3. Instead of using your number, use the boyfriend-flirter's mobile number for contact details.
4. Repeat process until you have exhausted all your efforts posting the boyfriend-flirter's number on all tabloids you want his number to appear.
---
There are several channels in UHF/Cable that offers a service where you could post your number to seek "friends." If you're eyes are capable of reading very tiny neon colored advertisements, you can use this service to your shameless plans of getting back at boyfriend-flirter by posting his number there.
---
Emphasize on the masculinity and aggressiveness of your character. Make him appear cool and confident in front of those interested to hook up with you. Focus your attention to persistent effems and parloristas who would surely bring nightmare to your boyfriend-flirter. Physical descriptions would have a multiplier effect, depending on how believable your descriptions would be.
---
And always remember, revenge is ultra sweet especially if the target don't know what hit him.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Kuya
Minsan isang panahon, nakita ko ang sarili ko na nagbabasa ng isang libro sa loob ng library ng aming paaralan. Grade six ako noon, soloista at mahilig tumambay sa pagitan ng dalawang naglalakihang bookshelves kung saan walang nakakakitang tao sa akin. Isang tanghali, may mga lower grade pupils na nagtatakbuhan sa aisle kung saan ako malapit. Dahil naiistorbo nila ang pagbabasa ko ng encyclopedia noon, sinita ko sila para tumahimik. Nagpulasan ang mga bata at biglang tumahimik ang paligid. Ngunit may isa pala sa kanilang natira at nangahas na lumapit sa akin.
Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang mga tinanong niya sa akin. Hindi ko na rin maalala ang kanyang mukha, ang kanyang pangalan, o kung anong section siya nabibilang. Pero ang hindi ko makalimutang tinanong niya sa akin ay kung maari ba niya akong maging kuya... na madali ko namang pinaunlakan sapagkat gusto ko na rin siyang umalis sa tabi ko.
Natapos ang buong school year, ilang beses pa kaming nagkatama ng landas. Hindi ko matandaan ang kanyang mukha o ang kanyang pangalan pero sa harap ng kanyang mga kaklase, pinagmamalaki niya ako bilang kuya, kahit hindi niya alam na sa batch ko, isa ako sa mga looser at outcast noon, taas noo pa rin niya akong tinawag na kuya. Nang malapit na ang graduation, binalak ko siyang hanapin upang magpaalam at magpasalamat. Balak ko sanang ibigay sa kanya ang isa sa aking pinakatatagong Matchbox na kotche-kotchehan upang maalala man lang niya ako hanggang pagtanda.
Sa kasamaang palad hindi ko na siya nakita. Pero nakalipas na ang maraming panahon, natatandaan ko pa rin ang aming unang tagpuan.
---
Twelve years had passed and I still remembered the boy. Probably, failing to say goodbye to him remained one of my greatest guilt, now that I am beginning to feel myself in his shoes. There were times, when things get really tough, I'd tell myself how I wish I had a big brother. If only there would be someone who could protect me when things are a little bit beyond my control, I think I would be the happiest man alive.
Lately, I get acquainted with guys older than me. One such example was Euphoria Boy, who I still see in the faces of many chinito guys that pass in front of me. There's also Papu, who I never fail to mention whenever I give gay101 lessons to newbies I chat with in PEx. The list of older guys goes on and on, and one thing that is common among all of them is that somehow, I get attracted or heavily attached to these guys I get acquainted with.
With the exception of Papu of course.
Mama would warn me that I should set an example as a big brother to my little sister since, she has this tendency to get attracted to older guys as well. I'm not sure of the reasons behind my sister's apparent preference for older guys. Probably, she was so attached to my dad when he was still alive that my sister still seeks him in the guys who comes along her way. I don't know, I just don't open this discussion with anyone... except here in my blog.
---
When dad died last year, I became the man of the house. Believe me, such task demands contant vigil and utmost responsibility. There were nights you would suffer sleeplessness thinking about how would your family survive without you. Some nights, I would think about how would I earn bigger money so that I could stand on my own, without the sikyu agency's assistance.
Good thing, we have a lesbian driver to act as the brute force when I am not around. Together with her sidekick, an older guy who used to be my tutor and my mom's former student when I was still in high school, they serve as my mom's external hands and feet when she can't do the task she needs to do.
I admit, that in many situations I remain weak. I could be a potent force when I am part of the household but what if I am not around? What if the challenges are so impossible to resolve to the point I would feel helpless and alone as well? These are the things that constantly distracts my mind whenever I feel insecure...
And when I feel insecure, my usual escape is to imagine some kuya material dodging the projectiles which I could not take anymore.
---
I remembered writing an entry about this same feelings not so long ago. But I also admitted in that entry that after looking for a big brother material all my life, I have realized that I became the kuya I am looking for. The apparent uniqueness of character I have; my desire to be ahead of a situation even before it happens and the way I became a man of the house says it all. I am no longer the happy-go-lucky person who's only concern is his own life and nothing more.
All those traits I've mentioned are the things I'm looking for in a man I would look up to. I think, after admitting that I found those traits in me, there is one single thing I am still looking for: the capability to steer one's own life according to his will.
So far I haven't done that yet.
These past few weeks, I have been exchanging private messages with two older guys in G4M. One is an accountant and a separated dad working in Mindanao and one is a businessman and a sports buff here in Manila. Both of them are deep, wild, chinito and top. Although I haven't met them yet, and as much as possible, I try to make our conversation more of a brotherly one. But lately, I have this inkling that I started having hots for them as well. Even in daydreams, I'd like to see myself under their enlightened guidance.
It seems like having a big brother or an older companion remains embedded deep in my psyche. It felt like the never ending search for someone stronger, wiser and wilder has once again awakened my sleeping thoughts about what if... I have a kuya? What if I'm not the one to be in charge all the time? And what if I have an older buddy as a lover, would things be easier?
Perhaps this is just a mere daydream aspiration created to artificially fill the void I am feeling...
and defend myself in times I can't stand on my own feet.
---
In times like this, I remember the boy. How I wish I had been more enthusiastic to be his big brother, now that years after, I'd end up constantly seeking for one.
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
And His Name Was Euphoria
Because his, was such an extraordinary moment,
I have to write in order to free myself from the attachment.
---
If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew
- Chicane, No Ordinary Morning
---
It was already dawn. The sun was beginning to rise in the east turning the black sky into indigo blue. The air was relatively humid despite the fact that I'm lying on a big bed, in a suite somewhere inside Shangri-la Edsa Plaza Hotel. It was a sight to behold, the wooden, ornate fixtures were stuffs I could only see when I'm daydreaming. I could just close my eyes and play Chicane's "No Ordinary Morning" again and again inside my head.
Beside me was him, the guy I danced with at Government the night before. We were both half-naked. Nothing happened so far since he was terribly tired and drunk after dancing for hours and hours at the bar, while I was just waiting for things to happen. I told myself never to be aggressive this time - since this act is something way beyond my moral values.
It was like I am in a dream. I am neither Pulsar nor my shadow friend Darkstar. I am beyond those personas I have created for myself. In fact, I think I was someone different, someone I wished to be. Someone I would like to be in the future. All night, he snored so loud that I wasn't able to sleep. Instead, I just contented myself hugging him and stroking his forehead and chest. After all, I think the reason he invited me in the first place is to have a companion, someone who would make him feel better. Sex, is just an extra perk.
Besides, after spending all these years being a follower to... I think I deserve to express this side of mine. It never happened before. Nobody has ever taken me to a plush suite in my entire life - except when my mother's sister would invite me to spend a vacation with her while she attends a conference in some faraway place away from home.
I guess this moment is something I would never have a chance to experience again.
When he woke up several hours later, he was in a rush. He said his colleagues would check him out anytime. So I asked him if I have to dress up already. He never said a word. Instead, I returned back to hugging him like someone unfamiliar yet so close to me. Soon, he put his arms around my head and started guiding me down...
...down to where the deed would surely have to happen.
---
The deed was done, and like the entire experience, it was something out of the ordinary. As it turns out, he was far more aggressive and dominant than what I have initially assumed. At first he thought that I am a top myself. But when I told him that I am not. It lead to something I rarely do nowadays. All that mattered to me was the experience - the moment. If Darkstar was driven by hate and pain and Pulsar is controlled by guilt and morality, this daydream persona never felt anything - only the lucidness of being somewhere between dreams and reality.
Before I left, we had a small talk. It happened because I showed him the entire contents of my pocket. He asked me why. I told him that since I am just a guest who slept over, might as well show him that I never took anything out, in case he might wonder. That small act of honesty which he appreciated lead to deeper conversations. Soon I was telling him about my life, my past and he told me a little about himself. He told me that he has a girlfriend; That I have confirmed he is a physician and that he is far older than what I have expected.
But his face and figure doesn't look like one.
He asked me what are my plans for the future. I told him that I am still in the process of figuring it out. Then he asked me if I am happy with my life. in which I said I am. Yet he replied that it appears that I am not. That his impression about me tells him that I am someone who likes to dwell in sadness, loves drama, and avoids the limelight. He told me that I am not happy and it shows, no matter how I try to hide it.
I kept smiling but the silence consumes me.
Because part of what he said was true.
He told me that the reason why he looks so young for his age is the fact that he thinks like a 13 year old; That he thinks of himself as handsome and appealing - which is true in many ways. He said that his secret in life is to be happy, whatever comes in his way. After all, happiness is what makes a person shine. Light mood makes a person content about himself.
We talked about a lot of things aside from that. I was even beginning to think that I was having a convesation with a philosopher who, after shagging me, freely gives his wisdom in return. He took my hands and brought me to the window. He showed me some bunch of trees at the back of the hotel and pointed at the lone Fire Tree that stands at the end of the pool. He said that the reason why the Fire Tree stands out among the rest is because it blooms with life. He then connected happiness with blooming and with life, which when I'm thinking right now, seems to have no connection at all. But whatever.
His last words were, " a happy person can appreciate such little difference like the beautiful fire tree and the rest of the non-blooming trees together with it, but only an extraordinary euphoric person could appreciate those non-blooming trees, more than the beautiful fire tree itself. So be happy always, don't clout your mind with negative thoughts."
And I remembered them word for word. No wonder he still fills my mind days after we met.
While we were talking, he gave me his number. I kept it, and he asked me to miss call him. But I told him that I am already low on battery and that I would just have to text him when I get home, which I did not do.
Tomorrow, he will about to leave for the south since he lives there all his life and whenever his thoughts surges in my mind, I am in constant turmoil whether to text him or not - just to say goodbye.
But our lives are meant to end this way, I know that. It was a daydream moment, and I want it to end that way, no matter how I wanted to hear from him again before he leaves. I just have to be happy that such moment with him ever happened...
So I hugged him tight for the very last time and told him how much I appreciate his company. This time, his aloofness was replaced by compassion. We never kissed, yet at that moment, I felt his soul closest to me.
I just hope that while in his slumber he felt mine closest to him while the song No Ordinary Morning plays on and on in my thoughts.
I have to write in order to free myself from the attachment.
---
If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew
- Chicane, No Ordinary Morning
---
It was already dawn. The sun was beginning to rise in the east turning the black sky into indigo blue. The air was relatively humid despite the fact that I'm lying on a big bed, in a suite somewhere inside Shangri-la Edsa Plaza Hotel. It was a sight to behold, the wooden, ornate fixtures were stuffs I could only see when I'm daydreaming. I could just close my eyes and play Chicane's "No Ordinary Morning" again and again inside my head.
Beside me was him, the guy I danced with at Government the night before. We were both half-naked. Nothing happened so far since he was terribly tired and drunk after dancing for hours and hours at the bar, while I was just waiting for things to happen. I told myself never to be aggressive this time - since this act is something way beyond my moral values.
It was like I am in a dream. I am neither Pulsar nor my shadow friend Darkstar. I am beyond those personas I have created for myself. In fact, I think I was someone different, someone I wished to be. Someone I would like to be in the future. All night, he snored so loud that I wasn't able to sleep. Instead, I just contented myself hugging him and stroking his forehead and chest. After all, I think the reason he invited me in the first place is to have a companion, someone who would make him feel better. Sex, is just an extra perk.
Besides, after spending all these years being a follower to... I think I deserve to express this side of mine. It never happened before. Nobody has ever taken me to a plush suite in my entire life - except when my mother's sister would invite me to spend a vacation with her while she attends a conference in some faraway place away from home.
I guess this moment is something I would never have a chance to experience again.
When he woke up several hours later, he was in a rush. He said his colleagues would check him out anytime. So I asked him if I have to dress up already. He never said a word. Instead, I returned back to hugging him like someone unfamiliar yet so close to me. Soon, he put his arms around my head and started guiding me down...
...down to where the deed would surely have to happen.
---
The deed was done, and like the entire experience, it was something out of the ordinary. As it turns out, he was far more aggressive and dominant than what I have initially assumed. At first he thought that I am a top myself. But when I told him that I am not. It lead to something I rarely do nowadays. All that mattered to me was the experience - the moment. If Darkstar was driven by hate and pain and Pulsar is controlled by guilt and morality, this daydream persona never felt anything - only the lucidness of being somewhere between dreams and reality.
Before I left, we had a small talk. It happened because I showed him the entire contents of my pocket. He asked me why. I told him that since I am just a guest who slept over, might as well show him that I never took anything out, in case he might wonder. That small act of honesty which he appreciated lead to deeper conversations. Soon I was telling him about my life, my past and he told me a little about himself. He told me that he has a girlfriend; That I have confirmed he is a physician and that he is far older than what I have expected.
But his face and figure doesn't look like one.
He asked me what are my plans for the future. I told him that I am still in the process of figuring it out. Then he asked me if I am happy with my life. in which I said I am. Yet he replied that it appears that I am not. That his impression about me tells him that I am someone who likes to dwell in sadness, loves drama, and avoids the limelight. He told me that I am not happy and it shows, no matter how I try to hide it.
I kept smiling but the silence consumes me.
Because part of what he said was true.
He told me that the reason why he looks so young for his age is the fact that he thinks like a 13 year old; That he thinks of himself as handsome and appealing - which is true in many ways. He said that his secret in life is to be happy, whatever comes in his way. After all, happiness is what makes a person shine. Light mood makes a person content about himself.
We talked about a lot of things aside from that. I was even beginning to think that I was having a convesation with a philosopher who, after shagging me, freely gives his wisdom in return. He took my hands and brought me to the window. He showed me some bunch of trees at the back of the hotel and pointed at the lone Fire Tree that stands at the end of the pool. He said that the reason why the Fire Tree stands out among the rest is because it blooms with life. He then connected happiness with blooming and with life, which when I'm thinking right now, seems to have no connection at all. But whatever.
His last words were, " a happy person can appreciate such little difference like the beautiful fire tree and the rest of the non-blooming trees together with it, but only an extraordinary euphoric person could appreciate those non-blooming trees, more than the beautiful fire tree itself. So be happy always, don't clout your mind with negative thoughts."
And I remembered them word for word. No wonder he still fills my mind days after we met.
While we were talking, he gave me his number. I kept it, and he asked me to miss call him. But I told him that I am already low on battery and that I would just have to text him when I get home, which I did not do.
Tomorrow, he will about to leave for the south since he lives there all his life and whenever his thoughts surges in my mind, I am in constant turmoil whether to text him or not - just to say goodbye.
But our lives are meant to end this way, I know that. It was a daydream moment, and I want it to end that way, no matter how I wanted to hear from him again before he leaves. I just have to be happy that such moment with him ever happened...
So I hugged him tight for the very last time and told him how much I appreciate his company. This time, his aloofness was replaced by compassion. We never kissed, yet at that moment, I felt his soul closest to me.
I just hope that while in his slumber he felt mine closest to him while the song No Ordinary Morning plays on and on in my thoughts.
Sunday, December 3, 2006
The Miseducation Of Bisexuality
You must know I've been bored. So to pass time, I've been going through profiles in DowneLink (an online gay community similar to friendster). To tour DowneLink or to create an account, Click Here.
Anyway, it really irritated me to see that most of the Filipino guys there refuses to accept the fact that they're gay, calling themselves BISEXUAL instead. Bisexualism is the newest trend here in the metro, and sadly, it's a pathetic misnomer.
Bisexuality is an old term, probably coined by Freud (I forget), which refers to a preference to both the male and female gender. Yes, it's true that there are REAL bisexual men here in the Philippines, but most of the so-called "bi" here are really gay.
The bisexuals here are under the stupid belief that bisexuality depends on the discretion. In simple terms, they think you're bisexual if you're discreet, even if you're only attracted to people of the same sex. Now that is just STUPID.
Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're instantly effeminate. Being gay means you're only attracted to guys. You're not bi because you're macho. Grow up.
Goodness, I need to fill up my weekdays as well.
If you want more of Kojimoto, Click Here.
Hey you guys must be thinking I'm this pessimistic piece of shit who has nothing to do but hate on other people. This is absolutely untrue. Go to my blog and see my more happier moments in life. :D
Anyway, it really irritated me to see that most of the Filipino guys there refuses to accept the fact that they're gay, calling themselves BISEXUAL instead. Bisexualism is the newest trend here in the metro, and sadly, it's a pathetic misnomer.
Bisexuality is an old term, probably coined by Freud (I forget), which refers to a preference to both the male and female gender. Yes, it's true that there are REAL bisexual men here in the Philippines, but most of the so-called "bi" here are really gay.
The bisexuals here are under the stupid belief that bisexuality depends on the discretion. In simple terms, they think you're bisexual if you're discreet, even if you're only attracted to people of the same sex. Now that is just STUPID.
Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're instantly effeminate. Being gay means you're only attracted to guys. You're not bi because you're macho. Grow up.
Goodness, I need to fill up my weekdays as well.
If you want more of Kojimoto, Click Here.
Hey you guys must be thinking I'm this pessimistic piece of shit who has nothing to do but hate on other people. This is absolutely untrue. Go to my blog and see my more happier moments in life. :D
Saturday, December 2, 2006
Lessons From G4M (Pamphlet Number Two)
kurapik: kelan tayo meet? kakayanin ko na titi mo
mugen: not interested dude.
mugen: not interested dude.
kurapik: magaling naman ako chumupa ah (I would have answered. "Mas magaling at mas masara ako tsumupa sayo parekoy," just to insult him but to avoid making things more intricate...)
mugen: pasensya na po. sana nagbabasa ka ng profile kasi hindi naman ako pang sex eh.
kurapik: oo nga pala di pala ikaw un.. wrong send.hehe sowee...
---
When will they ever learn?
Before, I get pissed off whenever I would send a friendly private message (peksman!) to a guy that interest me, only to be ignored in the end. It makes me less of a person, really. But now that I'm getting more views and messages (which tend to turn me off sometimes) in that website, I'm beginning to get the drift as to why some guys prefer to ignore guys who appear quite desperate for attention in G4M.
Take for example one time, A stocky guy sent me a message asking for a hook-up three times in just one week. Fuck ko daw siya sabi niya. Three times I ignored his message because I found his desperation too pathetic. Even if I'm single, I wouldn't take his offer.
As a rule, never get too aggressive to a guy, especially if he appears more physically superior to you. Always remember that gym buff, masculine guys (who prefer posting their chest, abs and torso instead of a regular face pic) won't stoop down to the level of being the one to ask favors. At the same time, straight acting homos would prefer the indirect approach when seeking a hook up. That leaves the effems (mostly) and the kids (mostly rin) to the job of seeking partners, especially if they belong to the lower heirarchy of PLUs in the website.
Examples of a good and a bad opening line:
Gymgoer guy to a buff guy: "Dude ganda naman ng chest mo, gaano mo katagal dinevelop yan?" (chances are, the buff guy would be flattered. Obviously, the message conveyed a friendly tone, despite having some possible hidden agenda behind the senders motive.)
Regular guy to another regular guy: "Nice profile men! I share your sentiments." (another good approach. Take note: both guys should have equal looks, or at least compliments what both guys are looking for. If one appears physically inferior, the lower the chances of recieving a reply)
A guy with an effem-looking/lanky pic to a regular naked guy: "Sexy naman poh ng body mo. Care for SEB here's my number 0917 xxxx, and ym purpleazureemeraldsky@yahoo.com" (ultimate turn off dude, especially if the regular naked guy prefers discreet average guys. Never give your personal details in your opening message) Another variety would be something like this: "You make me horny bro. Password pls." (You're too fast. Make sure you have an equally interesting pic to match his.)
Naked regular guy to another naked regular guy no face pics included: "Pare san ang area mo? Astig ng profile mo/Trip kita." (straight to the point, without the mention of any direct, aggressive sexual motive whatsoever. Based on experience, many masculine guys talk this way in G4M)
Two goody-goody guys discovering that they found the same interest in one of the forums: "Ei! Naglalaro ka rin pala ng DOTA/Red Alert/Need For Speed/ etc. etc. Minsan one on one tayo." (same interest will almost always lead to a good conversation. It depends however where would the conversation lead to.) or "Ay gusto mo rin pala si Mariah at si Madonna! Soundtripping tayo dito sa bahay minsan"
---
I really don't know how other people conduct their business in G4M. But based from my two profiles - one real one and one alterprofile using a very hot guy's pic, I get an idea as to how guys communicate to one another. If there are four basic important lessons a PLU must always remember when establishing contacts with other guys in that website, these are;
1. A guy must read a person's profile - status, sexual preference, and other important notes no matter how long or dramatic or psychotic the profile may be.
2. If a guy could not stand up with his looks, a good, friendly and positive attitude would do.
3. If you really want to meet serious and friendly guys, avoid the sexual forums at all cost.
4. There is such a rule that says... "pumantay ka sa katapat mo." If you think he is a god, it would be wise to resort to a demi-god instead.
---
Too bad, the guy who sent me the message above would never get to read this little entry. Badtrip kasi eh, instead of just quietly boywatching some guys in that website, ganun pa ang marerecieve ko. I wonder, is he able to succeed in hooking up with guys at all? Anyhow, I would continue observing the habits and attitudes of guys over there. At least, I get to see first hand - even if its just a little piece of the action, of how the art of hooking up with a stranger begins.
---
When will they ever learn?
Before, I get pissed off whenever I would send a friendly private message (peksman!) to a guy that interest me, only to be ignored in the end. It makes me less of a person, really. But now that I'm getting more views and messages (which tend to turn me off sometimes) in that website, I'm beginning to get the drift as to why some guys prefer to ignore guys who appear quite desperate for attention in G4M.
Take for example one time, A stocky guy sent me a message asking for a hook-up three times in just one week. Fuck ko daw siya sabi niya. Three times I ignored his message because I found his desperation too pathetic. Even if I'm single, I wouldn't take his offer.
As a rule, never get too aggressive to a guy, especially if he appears more physically superior to you. Always remember that gym buff, masculine guys (who prefer posting their chest, abs and torso instead of a regular face pic) won't stoop down to the level of being the one to ask favors. At the same time, straight acting homos would prefer the indirect approach when seeking a hook up. That leaves the effems (mostly) and the kids (mostly rin) to the job of seeking partners, especially if they belong to the lower heirarchy of PLUs in the website.
Examples of a good and a bad opening line:
Gymgoer guy to a buff guy: "Dude ganda naman ng chest mo, gaano mo katagal dinevelop yan?" (chances are, the buff guy would be flattered. Obviously, the message conveyed a friendly tone, despite having some possible hidden agenda behind the senders motive.)
Regular guy to another regular guy: "Nice profile men! I share your sentiments." (another good approach. Take note: both guys should have equal looks, or at least compliments what both guys are looking for. If one appears physically inferior, the lower the chances of recieving a reply)
A guy with an effem-looking/lanky pic to a regular naked guy: "Sexy naman poh ng body mo. Care for SEB here's my number 0917 xxxx, and ym purpleazureemeraldsky@yahoo.com" (ultimate turn off dude, especially if the regular naked guy prefers discreet average guys. Never give your personal details in your opening message) Another variety would be something like this: "You make me horny bro. Password pls." (You're too fast. Make sure you have an equally interesting pic to match his.)
Naked regular guy to another naked regular guy no face pics included: "Pare san ang area mo? Astig ng profile mo/Trip kita." (straight to the point, without the mention of any direct, aggressive sexual motive whatsoever. Based on experience, many masculine guys talk this way in G4M)
Two goody-goody guys discovering that they found the same interest in one of the forums: "Ei! Naglalaro ka rin pala ng DOTA/Red Alert/Need For Speed/ etc. etc. Minsan one on one tayo." (same interest will almost always lead to a good conversation. It depends however where would the conversation lead to.) or "Ay gusto mo rin pala si Mariah at si Madonna! Soundtripping tayo dito sa bahay minsan"
---
I really don't know how other people conduct their business in G4M. But based from my two profiles - one real one and one alterprofile using a very hot guy's pic, I get an idea as to how guys communicate to one another. If there are four basic important lessons a PLU must always remember when establishing contacts with other guys in that website, these are;
1. A guy must read a person's profile - status, sexual preference, and other important notes no matter how long or dramatic or psychotic the profile may be.
2. If a guy could not stand up with his looks, a good, friendly and positive attitude would do.
3. If you really want to meet serious and friendly guys, avoid the sexual forums at all cost.
4. There is such a rule that says... "pumantay ka sa katapat mo." If you think he is a god, it would be wise to resort to a demi-god instead.
---
Too bad, the guy who sent me the message above would never get to read this little entry. Badtrip kasi eh, instead of just quietly boywatching some guys in that website, ganun pa ang marerecieve ko. I wonder, is he able to succeed in hooking up with guys at all? Anyhow, I would continue observing the habits and attitudes of guys over there. At least, I get to see first hand - even if its just a little piece of the action, of how the art of hooking up with a stranger begins.
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